Following the recent uptick in anti-semitic rhetoric and claims that death camps never existed, the Onion asked holocaust deniers to explain why they deny the holocaust, and this is what they said.
Ryan Zagdanski, Publicist
“If you examine the evidence, it’s very obvious that the vast, meticulous records the Nazis kept of their genocidal activities over the course of twelve years were produced under duress.”
Rhonda Evans, Hairdresser
“All the evidence is there if you know how to make it up.”
Mary Beth Lewis, High School Student
“Our high school history books were printed in 1934.”
Muhammad Abubakar, Therapist
“Denial is the first stage of grief.”
Moses Hurtado, Shopkeeper
“Do you see any Holocaust? I don’t see any Holocaust.”
Sandra Patterson, Retailer
“I’m really, really hoping for a job in the next Republican presidential administration.”
Brayden Lowe, Bus Driver
“There isn’t a single historical record of Hitler ever saying ‘I’m doing the Holocaust now,’ in all of World War 2.”
Henry Madison, Doctor
“It was made up so Liam Neeson can finally get the star vehicle he deserved in The Schindler’s List.”
Benny Cantor, Limo Driver
“The Holocaust Museum is a political instrument engineered by 8th grade teachers to get their students to shut up for an hour on their Washington D.C. trip.”
Frankie Ellis, Influencer
“Higher engagement.”
Travis Caldwell, Nurse’s Assistant
“It drives the people who were in the Holocaust nuts.”
Alice Redman, Barista
“I prefer to focus on celebrating other historical anti-Semetic events.”
Kyle Jones, 8th Grader
“The YouTube algorithm had a different path in store for me.”
Frank Anderson, Butcher
I don’t believe Germans are real.
Harper Davis, Uber Driver
“It gives me something interesting to talk to my riders about.”
Amare Vick, Audio Engineer
“No movies I’ve seen about it start with ‘Based on a True Story.’”
Dan Moran, Insurance Claims Adjuster
“So, what? I’m confronted with facts and overwhelming evidence and I’m just supposed to believe it?”
David Holt, 8th Grader
“If it never happened I don’t have to write a paper on it.”
“Susan Ansley, Therapist
“I just don’t believe God would’ve let that happen to white people.”
Jason Commings, Sous Chef
“For such a historically significant event, it’s never been the subject of a single Disney animated film.”
Martin Kensington, VP, McGraw Hill
“It’s the only way Florida will buy our textbooks.”
