With some critics calling the blockbuster hit a “feminist nightmare,” The Onion asked conservatives what they thought of the “woke” Barbie movie, and this is what they said.
Hank Morgan, Banker
“Hey, the main Barbie was white, so no complaints here.”
Ian Horvath, Math Teacher
“I didn’t appreciate the notice at the start of the movie telling me I had to turn off my phone—a clear violation of my First Amendment rights.”
Ben Shapiro, Pundit
“Anything to distract from having to discuss issues of actual importance!”
Walter Jones, Actuary
“Of course, I was excited when I found out they were making a movie about a heterosexual, traditionally feminine woman, but imagine my surprise when that woman had lines of dialogue that were more than just saying yes to what her husband told her to do.”
Garrett Yates, Private Investigator
“Dollies should only exist to please men sexually.”
Gregory Stills, Physics Professor
“I attempted suicide this weekend because I saw boys wearing pink.”
Gary Wells, Investor
“The only thing I found comforting about it was the fake feminist consumerism that will only help corporations.”
Vanessa Brown, Homemaker
“It is a complete betrayal of the audience to not have Barbie falsely accuse a Black teenager of rape just like I used to pretend when I was a little girl.”
Lance Freidman, Customer Service Representative
“Anything that brings women joy is a no-no in my book.”
Michael Snyder, Unemployed
“I had high hopes since it was cowritten by famous incel Noah Baumbach.”
Melanie Taylor, Dental Hygienist
“It’s important to keep calling things with fairly straightforward neoliberal politics ‘woke’ in order to ensure the word has absolutely no meaning.”
Dana Girard, Systems Analyst
“It was scary how the toys came to life.”
Sam Amos, Maintenance Technician
“Maybe they didn’t show it, but I think it was pretty obvious that the real reason Barbie left Barbieland was to get an abortion.”
Kyle Struthers, File Clerk
“The fact that Margot Robbie has multiple restraining orders against me is all you need to know about how man-hating the movie is.”
Isaac Roe, Software Developer
“I closed my eyes when Barbie was on screen. I was only there to see Ryan Gosling. I did the same thing during La La Land, Drive, The Nice Guys, and Blade Runner. I only want to see Ryan Gosling and nobody else. Do not show me any other actors because I don’t want to look at them.”
Mike Burn, Construction Worker
“Whatever happened to women being made of plastic and never talking?”
Tim Dunston, Landscaper
“God, it was awful. The woke cherry on top of a brutally woke day. First, I sat in traffic behind a woke electric car. Then, I had to go to my woke corporate job, had a woke Panera Bread sandwich for lunch, sat in woke traffic on the way to the theater, met up with my woke friends Mark and Caden, had a woke Bud Light and then a woke Coors Light, bought a woke ticket from the woke ticket seller, got some woke popcorn that of course the woke popcorn guy slathered woke butter all over, sat in an aisle seat—which is the most woke seat in the movie theater by far—and had to sit through this woke garbage being thrust in my face. After that, I went home, ate a woke Hot Pocket—the freezer-treat brand that has gone the most woke of all the freezer-treat brands, which is why I won’t buy another Hot Pocket after this one and probably some more ones—and went to sleep. Worst day of my life.”
Kent V. Valtierra, Prosthetics Technician
“As a staunch heterosexual, all of the pink immediately blinded and castrated me.”
Clive Stephens, Antiques Dealer
“I didn’t like how in the Barbie universe the confederates lost the civil war.”
Ben Shapiro, Political Pundit
“I mean, the central claim that we exist under a patriarchy is patently ridiculous. Greta Gerwig is a woman. Margot Robbie is a woman. Trees are women. The sky is a woman. Each of my feet is a woman. So I think women are doing just fine.”
Will Veitch, Columnist
“I’m actually still stuck on the Bud Light thing, so I don’t have any time to overreact to this.”
Peachy Keenan, Author
“An insidious packaging of feminist cliché and trans grooming that’s a perfect way to toss back some popcorn and cool off in an AC’d theater on these balmy summer nights. Just a bunch of fun.”
Augustus Wainwright, Retired
“My jowls became several inches more severe from all the frowning I did at the screen.”
Greg Guzman, Office Manager
“I was so angry I went out and threw my daughter’s Barbies into the trash can, threw her in the trash can for good measure, doused it in kerosene, and then lit the trash can on fire. My daughter is dead!”
Tony Balducci, Butcher
“The woke mob wants you to think it’s okay to mix popcorn with Buncha Crunch, but that’s wrong. It gets too melty.”
Tatiana Williamson, Dental Hygienist
“I just kept screaming and screaming and screaming at the screen. How did the pictures on the screen move? What hellish trick was this?”
Amber Beall, Chiropractor
“My daughters will now only be allowed to play with guns.”
