Americans across the country need some moniker to scream at their little shits. The Onion examines the most popular baby name in every state.
Alabama
Cousin Jr.
Alaska
Burden
Arizona
N/A, as the youngest person in Arizona is 85 years old
Arkansas
White Supremaceigh
California
Dave 3.0
Colorado
Patagonia
Connecticut
Cletus
Delaware
Emily, LLC
Florida
Hetero
Georgia
Jim Crow
Hawaii
Local
Idaho
Dirt
Illinois
Beef Anne
Indiana
Chastity
Iowa
All forced births automatically named after Gov. Kim Reynolds
Kansas
Boy or Not Boy
Kentucky
Secretariat
Louisiana
Shrimpy
Maine
Pinchy McClaws
Maryland
Jane Doe
Massachusetts
Sirhan Sirhan
Michigan
Big Gretch
Minnesota
Butter Sr.
Mississippi
Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr.
Missouri
Fetus
Montana
Hole
Nebraska
My Beautiful Son Corn
Nevada
Bellagio
New Hampshire
Additional Expense
New Jersey
[Emotional Gesturing]
New Mexico
[High-Pitched Screeching]
New York
Mr. Met
North Carolina
Koleslaw
North Dakota
Frack
Ohio
Mumps (boy) or Mumpsella (girl)
Oklahoma
Breeding Steer #6500
Oregon
purplehaze420
Pennsylvania
Sandusky
Rhode Island
Madame Conch
South Carolina
Count Porkula
South Dakota
Unpaid Farmhand III
Tennessee
Doggone Jr.
Texas
ArmaLite
Utah
Methany
Vermont
Ben & Jerry’s Meredith With Peanut Butter And Cookie Dough
Virginia
CIA Test Subject #72946
Washington
We Would Like To Acknowledge This Baby Was Born On The Stolen Lands Of The Duwamish Peoples
West Virginia
Property Of Jim Justice
Wisconsin
Dahmer
Wyoming
Daughter
