In an effort to gain insight into the radical ideology, The Onion asked Republicans to explain what white nationalism means to them, and this is what they said.
Chris Breton, Truck Driver
“White nationalism is all about being proud of whatever shade of white you are.”
Marjorie Taylor Greene, U.S. Representative
“A myth, just like the Holocaust.”
Caty Evans, Urologist
“I’ve tried them all, and our urine simply tastes the best.”
Sarah O’Reilly, Pharmacist
“It’s the dew on the freshly shorn grass in the early morning, it’s a sip of lemonade at the end of a hot summer day, it’s the arm of your friend around your shoulder. But most of all, it’s never ever having to see a Black person in my neighborhood.”
Susan Webb, Bank Teller
“The white crayon should show up better on the white paper! This is anti-white bias! Our government better not be giving money to Crayola to erase white people from drawings!”
Thom Tillis, U.S. Senator
“It means I do most of my networking based on skull measurements.”
Scott Adams, Cartoonist
“It is Dilbert.”
Dale Hartley, Police Officer
“It’s an easy, one-step process to separate the people I like from the people I hate.”
Doug Parsons, Lifeguard
“I am terribly torn about white nationalism, for with every ounce of sun that my porcelain skin soaks up, I move further and further away from the Platonic ideal of humanity.”
Greg Gianforte, Montana
“The best way to get easy votes.”
Ida Doonan, Aerospace Engineer
“It’s important in this racially charged landscape to understand that white people are also a race. The best race.”
Ruth Vang, Administrative Assistant
“It stands for a time when white people used to be first in line for any buffet, no matter what table they were sitting at.”
Marsha Blackburn, U.S. Senator
“White nationalism means never having to say you’re sorry.”
Will Coatney, Sales Manager
“It’s my entire identity as a hardworking American who wants to achieve the American Dream but knows that, if he doesn’t, it’s all because of the Jews.”
Kay Ivey, Alabama Governor
“‘White nationalism’ is a term I usually switch out for the word ‘patriotism’ so that it takes people a little longer to realize they’re supporting the ethnostate.”
Matt Gaetz, U.S. Representative
“It means Nestor should be twice as thankful.”
Alana Finch, Actuary
“A white nationalist is just a nationalist who happens to be white.”
Pat Quinn, Server
“Other shapes just don’t burn as good as a cross.”
Ted Burkley, College Football Referee
“I prefer to think of myself as more of a white supremacist. I don’t think instituting white supremacy should be confined merely to America. There’s a whole world out there that could be whiter.”
Larry Fink, BlackRock CEO
“It means a winning combination of inflammatory statements that receive all the press while people like me keep the economic engine of white supremacy cooking.”
Bradford Ewell, Grill Cook
“It’s like reverse reverse racism.”
Tim Scott, U.S. Senator And Presidential Candidate
“Pundits like to slice and dice America with confusing definitions of white nationalism, but really all it means is that white people deserve better treatment and are inherently superior to Black people like myself.”
