In anticipation of the summer blockbuster, The Onion provides you with everything you need to know about the Barbie movie.
You Are Loved, You Matter
Regardless of whether or not you see the Barbie movie, you are still important and deserve love.
Ryan Gosling Was Castrated For The Film
The star underwent a gelding operation so that his body, like Ken’s, would have only a pale, fleshy lump where a person’s genitals would usually be.
Barbie Is Real
Otherwise they couldn’t put it in a movie.
Stars Had To Undergo An Excruciating 30 Seconds Of Prosthetics Each Day
Margot Robbie spent almost half a minute every morning having a professional makeup team transform her into the iconic Barbie doll.
Aileen Wuornos Was Originally Cast As Barbie
Margot Robbie only signed on to the film after Wuornos was executed by the State of Florida in 2002.
It Will Probably Be Good, But ‘Billy Elliot’ Is Better
Sorry. Billy Elliot is a pretty hard movie to beat.
Number Of Dogs Killed Throughout Filming
59
The ‘Barbie’ Movie Will Kick Off A Series Of Movies Made By LG Chem Ltd.
LG Chem Ltd. has already green-lighted scripts about polypropylene, polycarbonate, and polystyrene with some of Hollywood’s hottest stars.
The Language The Barbies Speak Is Real
For years, the filmmakers worked tirelessly with linguists to create a real Barbie language called Barbish that fans could learn, speak, and write on their own.
There’s Statistically A Pretty High Chance You’ll Be Shot And Killed If You See It In An American Theater
It’s so good, though!
It’s Banned In Vietnam
So if you were planning on flying in to catch a screening at the AMC Hanoi 12, you may want to rethink your plans.
It Will Not Solve Anything
America was built by the unpaid labor of African slaves and the genocide of Indigenous peoples, and this new Barbie film does absolutely nothing to rectify that.
It Will Solve Everything
You know what, sorry, we were too negative in that previous slide. While Barbie won’t rectify the past and present injustices in our country, it will bring happiness and fun to the lives of some of its viewers, and maybe that small spark of joy is all we really need—at least for that moment—for the universe to seem okay for once.
Ryan Gosling Learned To Talk For The Movie
Gosling spent six weeks working intensely with experts to learn to produce sounds with his mouth.
The Showtime You Wanted Sold Out And Now You Have To Walk Home Alone Wearing A Hot Pink Sequined Jumpsuit
Even worse, the teens hanging out outside Panera Bread just asked if you were Peppa Pig.
Jared Leto Sent Hair And Feces To The Film’s Stars
While Leto has no known connection to the Barbie movie, he still allegedly harassed the stars by sending threatening packages to their trailers while in character as the Joker.
It’s Based On The Toy Mr. Potato Head
Though the film takes some liberties with the source material, it’s nevertheless fun to see the wild adventures of that little potato person.
Every Actor In The Movie Is Dead And Has Been Recreated By CGI
The entirety of the Barbie cast, from Margo Robbie to Ryan Gosling to Issa Rae, is long deceased, but luckily, the power of modern technology has allowed their likenesses and voices to be digitally inserted into the film.
Your Dad Will Beat You Up If He Catches You Watching It
No son of his will grow up to be one of those weirdo adult doll collectors.
It Looks Like All The Actors In It Are Adults, So It’s Fine To Masturbate To
People may say you’re weird for beating your meat to a movie about a children’s toy, but from the looks of it, everyone in the cast is an adult of legal age, so if you use the entirety of the Barbie runtime to bust one out, that’s completely normal!
The ‘T’ In Margot Is Silent
The movie really isn’t that deep, so we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel here.
Thousands Of New Recruits Enlisted In The Military Because Of The ‘Barbie’ Movie
Many young Americans say they were persuaded to enlist after seeing Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling pilot drones and drop bombs on the Middle East during filming.
Candy Is Okay In Moderation
Be sure to observe the serving sizes indicated on the package.
It Will Be The Last Movie You Ever See
Just remember to hug your loved ones tight after the movie ends and you part ways forever.
They Couldn’t Get The Rights To Charlie Chowdahead
The popular clam mascot remains the intellectual property of the notoriously litigious Chowdaheadz corporation.
Pink Is A Color
And a color is…a type of light? Is that right?
Alec Baldwin Shot And Killed Greta Gerwig During Filming
While people had hoped that set conditions would be safer after Rust, Baldwin unfortunately fired a gun that killed Gerwig at point-blank range.
The Studio Nixed A Scene In Which Barbie Calls All The Other Barbies Cunts
According to sources, the inclusion of this scene was intended to support the film’s ultimate message that women should never trust other women.
It’s Based On The True Story Of The Hiker Who Got His Arm Pinned Under A Boulder And Had To Cut It Off With A Pocket Knife
Gerwig took some liberties with the script, but it’s still mostly factual.