Entire Company Under The Thumb Of Low-Level Employee Who Stayed Sober At Every Happy Hour

COLUMBUS, OH—Describing a workplace where the 24-year-old used her knowledge of her coworkers to quietly pull the strings, sources confirmed Monday that the entire staff of Wellesley Enterprises was under the thumb of low-level employee Caroline Mayer, who stayed sober at every happy hour. According to reports, the teetotaling administrative assistant had assumed the role of office power broker after quietly amassing a mental log of all the damning drunken behavior of her fellow employees at company-sponsored events. Several sources indicated that a clear-eyed Mayer, who has never even taken a sip of alcohol, had dropped hints to her colleagues that she had seen them sneaking off to hook up, had kept track of who had done blow in the men’s room, and was aware of which married vice presidents had inappropriately touched their subordinates. At press time, Mayer had reportedly survived another round of layoffs.