Man Intending To Just Take Quick Half-Hour Nap Accidentally Dies In His Sleep

MINNEAPOLIS—Feeling annoyed after completely overshooting his time limit for some brief shut-eye, local man Devon Roberts, who reportedly intended to take a quick, half-hour nap Monday, accidentally died in his sleep. “Damn it, when I started my nap it was still light out, and now all I see is infinite blackness,” said Roberts, noting that he was feeling groggy and disoriented as his soul became untethered from his body and he began losing all sense of the conscious self that used to exist. “Ugh, that’s so annoying. I set an alarm and everything, but I just died right through it. Fuck, I had work I was supposed to finish today, but now I have to leave this earthly realm forever. I knew I was tired, but I didn’t realize my brain would shut down for good.” At press time, Roberts admitted he probably shouldn’t have lain down for a nap while bleeding profusely from his neck.