As a general rule, restaurant workers should never, ever be respected. The Onion asked customers why they refuse to tip, and this is what they said.
Blaire Horowitz (Accountant)
“No restaurant fulfills the basic courtesy of sending a jester to my table to entertain me while I feast.”
Amy Quintin (Travel Writer)
“Money only complicates relationships with people who bring me plates of food.”
Jamie Giffords (Administrative Assistant)
“What, I’m supposed to bring my abacus everywhere? Get real.”
Alvin Chavez (Tailor)
“It’s just a nice little thing I do for myself.”
Jamie Drori (Yoga Instructor)
“I object to the system as a whole and am taking it down, one underpaid worker at a time.”
Gregg Debrowski (Lawyer)
“Tipping could be construed as an admission of wrongdoing.”
Hans Dobberfeldt (DJ)
“I seem like I might be foreign, so I can get away with it.”
James Bernardi (Foreman)
“They’d probably just spend it on drugs.”
Frank Seville (Geologist)
“I hate to think that they’re only giving me good service because they’ll be getting money out of it.”
Angelica Casey (School Board Member)
“People having enough money to live is un-American.”
Christian Russell (Retail Worker)
“The restaurant should be the one responsible for making sure the waitstaff earns the same unlivable minimum wage as the rest of us.”
Rachel Graff (Artist)
“Unless you have a subpoena from a court, I don’t have to tell you anything.”
George Carson (Foreman)
“I normally dine and dash, so technically I’m generously tipping 20% on zero dollars.”
Melissa Fox (Office Manager)
“I’m terrible at mental math.”
Paul Robbins (Customer Support)
“My pleasant and respectful disposition as a customer is worth more than any tip.”
Fran Potoski (Influencer)
“I tipped them in exposure.”
Craig Walker (Ad Sales)
“I want to encourage my servers to get into a higher-paying industry.”
Eliza Tippins (Historian)
“I’m just here to buy the cheapest thing on the menu so I can take a shit in the customers-only bathroom.”
