Traveling during this time of the year is always challenging. The Onion provides practical advice for how to tell your mom that you’re not coming home for the holidays.
“Mom, I’m gay and also there were no affordable flights out of Boston.”
Gay or straight, traveling is expensive and she’ll understand.
“My pig is sick.”
No one, but no one, would ever try to wedge even a smidgen of guilt between a person and their poor sickly pig.
“I think I’m going to spend Christmas with ISIS this year.”
She knows you’ve been getting closer to the terrorist organization over the past year and this is an obvious next step.
“You’ll have just as much fun torturing the rest of our family.”
She’ll be able to manipulate and wage psychological warfare on so many people she probably won’t even notice you’re gone!
“My left foot is sore.”
You idiot! You incredible stupid moron! It’s your RIGHT foot that’s always sore! Why did you blow your cover like that?
“Thanksgiving is a backwards custom that celebrates the wanton destruction of the indigenous people who were here before the white colonizers and slavers, and we should be ashamed to commemorate such a blood-soaked tradition.”
She will be thrilled not to have you and your exhausting talking points at the table.
“I’m dead.”
Hey, it’s hard to argue with that!
“Winston Churchill appeared to me in a dream last night and told me that if I attend this Thanksgiving it will trigger a horrific series of events leading to a holocaust against people who like swimming.”
And you know how big into swimming your mom is. Plus, she’s superstitious and has always harbored an intense ardor for Churchill, that big old beautiful Britisher himself. This is a foolproof, easy way to let your mom down gently.
“I fucking hate you and I always have and always will.”
Sometimes when delivering difficult news to a parent, it’s best to let them down gently.
“I’m Jewish this year.”
If your parents celebrate Christmas, saying you’ve converted to Judaism for the upcoming year is a surefire way to avoid going home.
“Isn’t this why you had two kids?”
Surely she had your siblings so they could share the responsibility of keeping her company in her old age?
“God doesn’t exist, so why celebrate him?”
Moms famously hate religion, so this will go over well.
“Hey, Mom, I love you but I am not coming home for the holidays this year.”
Oh ho ho, look who decided to clearly communicate like some kinda fucking adult?
“I’m trapped beneath a huge boulder and won’t be free until after New Years.”
Just tell her you can visit once you saw your arm off with a pocket knife.
[Silence.]
She’ll get the message.
“My new, much older boyfriend says I shouldn’t talk to you.”
This is disappointing, but at least lets her know everything in your life is going swell.
“I have become addicted to
Explain to your mom that gambling addiction is a disease, and you’ll be seeking healthcare at Nini’s Video Gaming Cafe.
“Just be grateful I haven’t killed myself yet”
You don’t need to spend Thanksgiving together to be thankful.
“You can mail me my portion of Christmas dinner”
Just put it in a Ziploc bag alongside your presents.
“I never want to see your fucking face ever again, you stupid cunt who I love more than anyone else on the planet.”
A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.
