Millions of Americans went to the polls yesterday hoping to either save their nation or at least destroy it in a slightly different way. The Onion’s crack team of political reporters accompanied every single campaign and every single voter to every polling place in America to find the most compelling Election Day scenes.
Fort Worth, Texas: A 45-year-old Black woman frantically searches for the fifth-grade report card she needs to provide proper identification.
Keene, New Hampshire: Militia members volunteer throughout the county doing nonpartisan voter intimidation.
Wrightsville, Georgia: Herschel Walker tackles the voting booth.
Overland Park, Kansas: Election workers place a hat on the ballot box to scare away vote-stealing crows.
Scottsdale, Arizona: Nineteen confirmed dead after a signature looks a little weird.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin: Voters select their choice for governor by crushing either a blue or red beer can against their forehead.
Hartford, Connecticut: An undecided man decides to vote for every candidate just to be safe.
Atlanta, Georgia: A poll worker finds the missing 11,000 votes for Trump behind a bookshelf.
Los Angeles, California: Local woman Betsy McGovern saw a homeless person on her way to vote, and that’s that.
Nationwide: Following confirmation of election results, every winner immediately severs all contact with constituents.
