William Barr
“Who do these people think they are taking credit for undermining the Justice Department? That was all me, but they’ll never tell you that.”
Rudy Giuliani
“I made this happen. I am an excellent lawyer who is still working for Mr. Trump and never got fired. I am not insane, and everybody loves me. Print that on your internet.”
Merrick Garland
“Judge Cannon is a patriot for standing up to those evil traitors at the Justice Department. America will be cleansed in the blood of the legal establishment! Do you think that was enough to throw those Trump psychos off my scent, or should I keep going?”
James Comey
“Respectfully, no one gives a shit what I think after I biffed it so hard last time.”
Tim “The Wrecking Ball” Lopez
“If the special master finds that Trump has mesothelioma from exposure to asbestos at Mar-a-Lago, I can get him a settlement FAST!!!”
Ivanka Trump
“Do I have a law degree, or is that my sister? I can’t remember.”
Neil Gorsuch
“As someone also appointed into a powerful judiciary role in a sham court system controlled entirely by minority rule, I support this judge 100%.”
Rhonda Freyer
“It’s clearly not legitimate as a legal maneuver, so I’m sure it will get overruled by the next judge, who was also appointed by Trump, so—oh, wait, god damnit.”
Jeff Sessions
“I’m for it! Hear that, Mr. Trump? Take me back, please. Please.”
Harold Taylor
“Well, it clearly has no basis in law, but it is technically legal as long as we keep prioritizing this idea of an infallible legal system over actually trying to do what’s right.”
Ari Melber
“You know ‘executive privilege’ is bullshit because there’s no Schoolhouse Rock song about it.”
Katrina Spyropoulos
“I think it’s always a good thing when people are treated with leniency and dignity in what can be a very broken legal system.”
Barrister Archibald T. Blodwell
“A rendering most foule!”
Ken Starr
“I’ll tell you what I think, but you’ll have to pay my consulting rates, which are rounded up to the nearest hour. You’re at $750 and counting, so I’d ask what you’re going to ask.”
Aileen M. Cannon
“You didn’t hear this from me, but it’s unbridled favoritism.”
Peter Stevens
“It’s a highly questionable decision that could upend the rule of law, but I’m going to keep quiet just in case I get to be the special master, which would fucking rock.”
Samuel Alito
“Look, when the Federalist Society pays you this much money, you learn not to ask too many questions.”
Krysta Fegan
“This sends Donald Trump the dangerous message that he can do anything he wants, which is 100% true.”
Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“I’m not dead! They lied to you! Somebody come dig me up!”
