Sacklers Ask Friend For Hookup To Buy Pharmaceutical Company From

AMAGANSETT, NY—Admitting they were experiencing major withdrawal, members of the Sackler family reportedly asked a friend Tuesday to provide them with the phone number of a hookup they could buy a pharmaceutical company from. “Gonna be honest, we’re kind of going through it right now and would appreciate it if we could use your connection to get a drug manufacturer,” said Richard Sackler, adding that his family would like to get about 1,000 employees to begin with, but would take whatever they could get just to feel that high again. “If it seems too sketchy to deliver a pharmaceutical company to our place, we can meet them at their apartment or back behind Walmart. We just want to make sure it’s a primo, Fortune 500–grade company.” At press time, the Sacklers were said to be furious after discovering the $1 billion dollar drug company they had purchased contained mostly vitamins.