Jan. 6 Panel Finds Over 200 Congresspeople Hooked Up Believing They Were About To Die

WASHINGTON—As evidence continues to emerge regarding the actions of U.S. lawmakers during the 2021 attack on the Capitol, the House Jan. 6 committee unveiled Friday new findings that confirm more than 200 members of Congress hooked up during the riot because they believed they were about to die. “With rioters occupying the Capitol and hellbent on violence, senators and representatives feared for their lives, and we now know that scores of them spent the riot seeking comfort in each other’s arms and experiencing sex one last time,” said committee chair Rep. Bennie Thompson (D-MS), who recounted his own panic-fueled sex with a congresswoman he declined to name in the office where they were both hiding, and then showed a video of Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) sprinting through the Capitol in an effort to find one last sexual partner before the rioters killed them all. “Testimony from those present during the attack, corroborated in some cases by photographic and video evidence, reveals that dozens of desperate lawmakers decided to consummate long-held infatuations with members of the opposite party, while others simply went at it with whichever congressperson was closest at hand. Some of the more conclusive evidence of this collective move into dread-fueled sexual promiscuity includes Sen. Joni Ernst (R-IA) shouting ‘If this is really the end, then fuck it, do what you want’; Rep. Tom O’Halleran (D-AZ) leading a group of representatives on a hunt for condoms; and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) shaking Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) to get a hold of himself before leading him into her office. The scale of the fear is evident in the fact that few of them took party, age, or even gender into account, so desperate were these members of Congress to experience one last moment of erotic bliss before the slaughter.” The committee then showed a previously unaired video of screaming throughout the halls of Congress slowly turning into lustful moans and sustained cries of pleasure.