After mounting pressure, Texas officials have released a 77-page report detailing the police response to the mass shooting at Robb Elementary in Uvalde, TX. The following are the most shocking details that have recently come to light.
The Police Were Specially Trained In Milling Around
Most of the nearly 400 officers actually specialized in standing, waiting, and occasionally pacing.
Grubhub Took Forever To Deliver Officers’ Food
This delay added at least 30 minutes to the time it took police to neutralize the gunman.
The Police Were Unsure If Shooter Was Allowed To Keep Shooting
Confused officers hesitated because they didn’t know if the gunman had permission to murder at will.
Police Couldn’t Get Into The School Because It Was Actually Surrounded By A Really Big Moat
No one can blame the police for the alligator-infested moat surrounding the school grounds, nor could the police do anything about the broken drawbridge.
Students Were In Harm’s Way The Moment They Entered School
By attending class at a school in the United States, students were immediately put at risk.
The School’s Monster Truck Operator Was Asleep
Each Texas school hires a monster truck operator to run over potential shooters, but the one on-site that day was taking a nap.
The Teachers Waited Over 70 Minutes In The Classroom While The Shooting Continued
And at least one of the teachers was dead the whole time, doing almost nothing to help the students.
The Door To Room 111 Had Trouble Locking, A Problem That Officials Have Blamed On Osbourn Dorsey, Who Invented The Doorknob In 1878
In a tragedy where everyone seems to be passing the buck, investigators have unequivocally condemned the man who paved the way for modern door locks.
Time Is A Concept
There’s no difference between acting immediately and waiting 77 minutes.
None Of The Students Provided Clear Orders Or Leadership To Law Enforcement
The 376 officers present were disorganized and lacked clear direction from any of the fourth-graders, who had fallen behind on their active-shooter training.
Several Children Used Their Last Moments To Affirm Their ‘Full And Complete Support’ For The Second Amendment
We salute all young martyrs who give their lives that the rest of us may freely own a product.
Gov. Greg Abbott Cut Over 200 Million Dollars From Texas Mental Healthcare Services
Oh, this actually didn’t end up in the report. Weird.
Time Flies When You’re Having Fun!
Seventy-seven minutes feels way shorter when you’re making memories with a few hundred of your best police officer friends.
Don’t Mess With Texas
This statement is required to appear in all official Texas government reports.
The Police Still Have The Capacity To Disappoint
They are constantly innovating ways to incite disgust among the general populace.
Police Job Security Is Airtight
If the shit Uvalde officers pulled doesn’t get them fired, we don’t know what will.
We Need More Police Funding
This is the only logical conclusion one could draw from the report.
The Police Are Super Sorry Or Whatever
Hey, they’re not thrilled they flubbed it either.
The Next School Shooting Will Go A Lot Better
It’s healthiest to think of this as a practice round for the next school shooting.
