Exasperated Aquarium Staff Demand Visitors Stop Tapping On, Yelling At Vending Machines

CHICAGO—Expressing concern for the safety and well-being of the snacks, the exasperated staff of Shedd Aquarium demanded Friday that visitors stop tapping on and yelling at vending machines. “Sir, I know you’re excited, but I’m going to have to ask you to please stop screaming and banging on the vending machine glass,” said aquarium attendant Katie Simons, explaining to a man smacking on the vending machine that what he was doing was not good for the Doritos. “We’re not going to ask you again. You’re disturbing the Oreos. That’s not how you get cookies to come closer to you. If you want to enjoy them, please do so from a distance out of respect for the snacks.” At press time, staff were reportedly rushing Funyuns to safety after an aggressive visitor had broken the glass of the vending machine