Vacationing Woman’s Big Floppy Hat Plunges Nation Into Darkness

DENVER, NEW YORK, LOS ANGELES, CHICAGO, HOUSTON—Approximately 330 million Americans were reportedly affected by a sudden loss of visibility Thursday morning when a vacationing woman’s big floppy hat plunged the nation into darkness. Sources confirmed that the near-total blackout began in the Denver area around 11:15 a.m. when vacationer Anna Kinahan sat down poolside at the Four Seasons Resort Denver while wearing a large-brimmed straw hat purchased for the trip, which cast a shadow that immediately spread across the entire country. Within moments, the 3.1 million square miles of America’s contiguous 48 states were completely shrouded by the Ann Taylor-brand sun hat, which reportedly led to widespread panic in major cities, mass crop die-offs across U.S. farmlands, and thousands of traffic accidents while the traveler sipped a mimosa. Several hundred deaths were also reported from exposure to frigid temperatures in areas where the headgear completely obstructed the heat of the sun. At press time, Americans were rejoicing as the murkiness suddenly lifted and they could see again, moments before being thrust once again into an all-consuming darkness when the vacationing woman let her friend try the big floppy hat on.