State Department Brokers Alliance In Destabilized Region By Providing Arms To Texan Warlords

WASHINGTON—Calling the arrangement necessary to achieve long-term success in the volatile region, State Department officials announced Wednesday that they had managed to broker a key alliance in the failed Southwestern state of Texas by providing arms to local warlords. “The lack of stable institutions has left innocent Texans devastated by constant power outages, horrific maternal mortality rates, and skyrocketing illiteracy—we don’t agree with these warlords on everything, but strengthening their hold on the area through strategic weapons shipments is frankly our best shot at bringing Texas some semblance of functioning governance,” said Secretary of State Antony Blinken, who noted that while the State Department’s new allies undeniably held backward attitudes toward women and extreme religious beliefs, such views were sadly too commonplace in that part of the world to be avoided. “You have to understand that Texas has long been a lawless, violent place, where corrupt local police force residents to fend for themselves while maintaining a facade of order through frequent, oftentimes arbitrary executions. Sending these warlords Stinger missiles and towed artillery systems will let them fill that power vacuum in the places where they aren’t the de facto authority already, and once they consolidate their rule, we can use our influence to promote peace, better educational opportunities, and, perhaps one day, democracy.” Insisting that the government’s interests in Texas were purely humanitarian, Blinken dismissed allegations that the U.S. was only intervening to secure the region’s vast fossil fuel deposits.