Study Finds Link Between Loneliness, Being Stuck Halfway Down Dark Tube Of A Waterslide

BALTIMORE—In landmark research into what may be a root cause of emotional distress, a new study published Thursday in the The American Journal Of Psychology found a link between intense feelings of loneliness and currently being stuck halfway down the dark tube of a waterslide. “Our decade-long study found that across all demographic groups, the tendency to feel isolated was strongly correlated with a person getting their inner tube wedged in a section of tunnel where it was very dark,” said study author Malcolm Briggs of Johns Hopkins University, adding that subjects’ feelings of abandonment rose significantly when they had been trapped in the tube long enough for their fingers to begin to prune. “From what we can discern, these individuals experience a lack of connection to their fellow human beings when they are splayed on their back in an enclosed pipe and the rush of water has begun to drown everything but the sound of their own screams. Though our research does not establish a direct causal relationship, we can confirm the condition was quickly reversed when dislodged subjects reached the end of the tube and plummeted into the landing pool.” Briggs went on to state that those stuck in waterslides and feeling lonely should know that they aren’t alone and that there are lot of people out there ready to speed down the tunnel and slam into them with their full body weight.