Nation’s Moms Announce There Some Nutty People Out There

WASHINGTON—Delivering a stern warning to all 330 million Americans, the nation’s moms announced at a press conference Tuesday that there are some real nutty people out there. “You really have to be alert out there, because you never know who’s a bit off,” Martha Thorburn said on behalf of the country’s mothers, while pointing to her head and making an exaggerated circle around her temple with an extended index finger to indicate the kind of crackpots people should be wary of. “The whole world’s gone haywire. When we were growing up, sure, you’d see the occasional odd duck here and there, but these days it seems like everybody’s got a screw loose. We’re just asking you to be safe is all—you’d be surprised by how many freaks come crawling out of the woodwork! They’re on the street, at the bus stop, and there’s even a couple in politics nowadays. What a darn shame. It’s the eyes—you can see something’s just not right. That’s the world we live in, though.” Thorburn went on to state that her sister-in-law, Aunt Edna, had been killed by someone batty.