Bored Defense Department Bombing Empty Cans Off Fence Out Back Behind Pentagon

ARLINGTON, VA—Killing time between major combat operations, bored staff at the Defense Department spent an afternoon bombing empty cans off the fence out back behind the Pentagon, U.S. military sources reported Thursday. “Things have been a bit slow since we pulled out of Afghanistan, so we thought we’d crack open a few beers and shoot a few Hellfire missiles at the empties while we wait for a new conflict to be authorized,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, who added that seeing who could eliminate the most cans from the greatest distance—whether with a GBU-43/B Massive Ordnance Air Blast or a simple rocket-propelled grenade—was a good way to blow off some steam until they could do the real thing again abroad. “These days we don’t get a lot of downtime between wars, but when we do, it’s nice to get in some target practice so we stay sharp. Plus, I’ll win 20 bucks off [Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff] Mark Milley if I can hit that Coors Light can from two miles with this cluster munition.” At press time, sources confirmed the Pentagon officials were quickly running back inside to avoid getting caught after an errant ballistic missile missed the fence and took out the Washington Monument, causing hundreds of civilian casualties.