Man Wastes Another Gorgeous Day Being Dead

CHICAGO—Despite it being absolutely perfect sunny, 80-degree weather, sources confirmed Tuesday that local man Jared Thune wasted yet another gorgeous day being dead. “Come on, man, it feels amazing outside, don’t you think it’s stupid to spend all your time underground in that cramped, dark coffin?” said friend Roy Yoo, adding that it was absurd that Thune insisted on holing up in a small wooden box when the rest of the world was out there enjoying the first real taste of summer. “Seriously, I don’t get it. The sun is shining! The birds are chirping! But I guess he’d rather just be down there, wasting away in the darkness, all by himself. God, ever since he was the victim of a homicide a few years ago, he’s been such a hermit. Whatever.” At press time, terrified sources told reporters that a decomposed Thune was begrudgingly bursting out of his grave, dragging himself to a nearby park, and immediately feasting on a child.