‘Bon Appétit’ Test Kitchen Apologizes For Gruesome Experiments On Beans

NEW YORK—In response to widespread condemnation over several recent leaks, the Bon Appétit Test Kitchen reportedly issued an apology Tuesday for the organization’s gruesome experiments on beans. “We make no excuses for the horrific treatment our chefs inflicted on hundreds of thousands of cannellini beans, kidney beans, and navy beans, and although we know we have a long road ahead of us, we pledge to make things right,” read a statement issued by the Bon Appétit Test Kitchen after evidence showed that the kitchen had spent the past few years carrying out a series of grisly culinary experiments on innocent beans, including mass rotting, non-consensual removal of their radicles, and forced caramelization. “While we cannot rationalize what we did, we want to stress that we went into the kitchen believing that what we did there had important ramifications for gastronomical research, but over time our efforts drifted into invasive tests that are absolutely incompatible with Bon Appétit’s values. We want to apologize to the legume community—no spicy bean dip or three-bean salad is worth what we did to those poor beans. Over time, it became more about power and control than anything else, and we truly lost our way.” At press time, many Bon Appétit critics had responded that their apology was insufficient, and that they needed to do more to help the garbanzos reportedly subjected to invasive psychological experiments that had caused hundreds of beans to go insane.