Talking about money can be difficult for many families, which is why we recommend paying someone to do it for you. Here’s what to say if your child asks if you’re rich.
“No, we’re just upper middle class.”
Sure, a lot of upper middle class people have a helicopter.
“Depends. Can I borrow a 20?”
It’s not a gambling addiction if the whole family’s involved!
“Not under this administration.”
Teach your child early on that if they want to be a part of your family, they’ll oppose any increase to the upper marginal tax rates that would help fund our country’s most desperately needed social programs.
“Are you from the IRS?”
They’re probably not, but your answer definitely depends on making sure.
“Ew, that’s a poor person question.”
This will simultaneously communicate where they stand and how they should feel about the lower classes.
“No, all my assets are tied up in stocks and real estate.”
This is what real rich people say.
“Shut up and finish your foie gras.”
If you were rich, the restaurant you’re at would have all three Michelin stars.
“Please sign this nondisclosure agreement before we continue our conversation.”
The fewer people who know the truth, the better.
“Why, are you about to ask for a handout?”
It’s called an allowance, dad.
“I don’t know, ask one of our 28 butlers.”
They’ll have a better grasp on the estate’s financial situation.
“I’ve asked you to communicate with me via our respective attorneys.”
You don’t pay retainer fees for nothing.
“Not if the SEC has anything to say about it.”
Research shows that being forthright about looming felony indictments is better for a child’s development.
“Not now. The Senator and I are speaking.”
They’ll figure it out eventually.
“Well that’s a grown-up question for a 35-year-old!”
Then pull a shiny quarter out of their ear to distract them.
“Money is a construct that was created by man and can be taken away by man.”
Encouraging your child to pursue a career in philosophy is as clear a response as any that you are as rich as they come.
“No, we’re barely scraping by on $1.5 million a year.”
Even though you’re in the top 5% in the country, you’re practically the laughing stock of the Hamptons.
“I’ll answer that question as soon as the government lifts its sanctions against us.”
We started from the bottom and now we’re here.
“Compared to you, yes.”
Sadly, most kids are broke as shit.
