Doe-Eyed Nation Outstretches Hands Toward Snarling, Barking Dog

WASHINGTON—Cooing while they stared doe-eyed at the “adorable pup,” Americans across the nation reportedly outstretched their hands Monday and ambled toward a snarling, barking 80-pound German shepherd that violently tugged on its chain. “Good doggie, what a friendly doggie, we love you doggie, you’re so nice—isn’t that right, doggie?” said all 330 million Americans while giggling and pointing at the wild-eyed canine, who proceeded to choke itself repeatedly as it furiously yanked on its chain, each time getting closer and closer to breaking free, jumping the cyclone fence, and mauling every single U.S. resident. “Oh, you’re such a perfect widdle baby. Yes, you are! Everybody thinks you’re a mean doggie, but you’re just a sweetie pie. Oh, does baby doggie like treats? Maybe baby doggie wants to eat them right out of our tiny widdle hands!” At press time, all 330 million Americans screamed and scattered after the German shepherd’s owner burst from his house, shouted, and shot a gun into the air several times.