Nation’s Gun-Toting Uncles Announce It’s Time To Learn Where Food Really Comes From

SALTSBURG, PA—Cocking their shotguns and remarking that dinner tonight wouldn’t be for the faint of heart, the nation’s gun-toting uncles announced Tuesday that it was time to learn where food really comes from. “All right, boys, let’s get out there and show them that food doesn’t just come from the supermarket or some fancy-shmancy restaurant, it comes from blood, sweat, and tears,” said 58-year-old uncle Jeremiah Gordon, adding that back in the day, settlers couldn’t just up and go into the big city and buy their meals anytime they wanted, but had to crouch in a bush and shoot the thing dead. “That’s right, bullet to the brain, that’s how our forefathers did it. There weren’t no two ways about it. And if you didn’t get out there, slit its throat, and carry the thing back to the shed to dress it, you didn’t eat. Period.” At press time, the nation’s uncles could be seen crouching behind a bush, drinking beer, and falling asleep just as several deer ran by.