“When you’re done intubating me, can I get some garlic rolls?”
Your nurse is a trained professional who’s there to keep your diseased lungs working, not a waitress at Olive Garden.
“Nurse! Come quick!”
It’s proper etiquette to mail a formal invitation requesting the nurse’s presence in your room at least three weeks in advance.
“I’m in so much pain.”
You’re in an intensive care unit, so telling a nurse something this obvious is pretty patronizing.
“Excuse me, miss, could you pull your mask back up?”
So that’s how you want to thank our brave heroes? By literally suffocating them?
“You heard about this thing that’s been going around? They’re calling it Covid.”
Nurses are too busy to deal with meaningless small talk about things no one has heard of.
“Why should I wear masks when birds don’t?”
ICU nurses are already close to their breaking point without having to figure out what the fuck you even mean by this.
“Are you
Where did you find that morphine pump?
“Have you ever accidentally killed any of your patients?”
Of course they have! Don’t ask stupid questions.
“I only want to be treated in accordance with this YouTube video.”
You want to be treated with 100,000 milligrams of Vitamin C and pieces of your own hair, you do that shit at home.
“Can I have a second bedpan?”
Not until you’ve finished filling your first.
“I’ve got a surprise for you in my liver.”
ICU nurses hate surprises.
“How do you survive on $3 million a year?”
Between their mansions, beach houses, and Maseratis, most nurses are barely scraping by on seven figures.
“You look shapeless in that nursewear.”
Most ICU nurses are very self-conscious about the loose-fitting hospital scrubs that don’t show off their fit, toned bodies.
“Can you sneak me some opioids?”
That will be openly and quickly prescribed to you by your doctor.
“At least you get summers off.”
That’d be a condescending thing to say even if you didn’t confuse teachers with nurses.
“Is Covid nice in real life?”
Covid is not a celebrity, so don’t ask if it’s nice or stuck-up or really hot in person.
“I can’t operate on this patient, he’s my son.”
Nurses are so sick of trying to figure out this riddle.
“You have it pretty easy here, don’t you?”
It’s not nice to comment on how incredibly easy and pointless many people’s jobs are.
“Tell me about your favorite patient’s death.”
Eh, they all kind of blend together after a while.
“My cancer hurts.”
Stop whining!
“Wanna try using the defibrillator on this cantaloupe?”
Every ICU nurse has already tried this. Nothing happens. It doesn’t even explode.
“En garde!”
After a grueling 12-hour shift spent intubating dozens of patients, the last thing nurses want to do is put on armor and fight you in two rounds of épée.
“Beep…beep…beep…”
Nurses can always tell when patients are trying to hide the fact that they’ve died.
“Oh, hey! You were just my nurse. Pretty cool you’re in the ICU with Covid now too.”
Try not to act so excited, because after all, this was your fault.
