Landlord Informs Tenants He Increasing Endless Economic Anxiety By $100

CHICAGO—Blaming the change on factors like inflation and steep city taxes that were out of his control, local landlord Joel Fischer reportedly informed his tenants Monday that he was increasing their endless economic anxiety by $100. “Hello, tenants, this notice is to inform you that the perpetual pit of dread you feel in your stomach each month when you send me the majority of your salary will have a slight increase starting in 2022,” read a note posted by Fischer in the building’s stairwell, which added that occupants had 60 days to sign a new insurmountable, soul-crushing financial burden or promptly vacate the premises. “Please note that all units, without exception, will be subject to additional heart palpitations and sleepless nights, stemming from an everlasting sense that you will drown beneath the bills you owe to me and other institutions. Unless otherwise noted in your lease, we will expect you to carry this financial weight that will only get heavier and heavier that will crush you until the day you die.” At press time, sources confirmed that every single tenant in Fischer’s building reluctantly agreed to the increase in economic insecurity rather than figure out a way to move.