Even if you work hard and save all your life, nowadays, that still may not be enough to get you through the six months of freedom you’ll have until you die. Here are several signs you may never actually be able to retire.
You Turn 65 During One Of The Increasingly Frequent Meltdowns Of The Global Economy
Welcome to your 70s as a Walmart greeter.
Manager Says You’re Not Allowed To
Can’t argue with the boss.
You Never Got A Call Back From
Those unable to build a nest egg from the hit trivia competition show may be forced to consider riskier options such as Wheel Of Fortune and Family Feud.
A Two-Headed Goat Has Been Born in Milord’s Lands
An ill portent for retirement, Your Grace.
You Have Thus Far Been Unable To Convince Jamiroquai Or The Court System That You Deserve A Portion Of The Songwriting Royalties For
They just haven’t found your arguments convincing enough.
You May One Day Have Something Wrong With Your Health
Having medical expenses is a huge no-no when it comes to a retirement plan.
Your Financial Advisor Stole It All
It may be cold comfort, but at least he’ll be able to retire when he’s 45.
Fewer MVPs Than Michael Jordan
At this rate, time is running out to cement your legacy as all-time greatest.
The CEO Quickly Said ‘If You Want To Work Forever Say What’ and You Said ‘What’
Them’s the breaks, kid.
The File Is Too Large To Send Over Email
There’s no way you’ll figure this one out before your 60th birthday.
Your Credit Score Is Too Low To Get Into Heaven
If you don’t want to get denied entry into Heaven, you’ll need to keep working a few more decades until you can get that score into the 700 range.
Your Kids Are Creative Types
Who knows how many more years of support they’ll need?
No One Comes To Your Retirement Party
If no one shows up to your retirement party, then it’s clear that your employer and fellow colleagues don’t recognize your retirement and that you’ll need to keep working.
You’re Working Three Jobs Just To Afford Staying At A Nursing Home
Not to mention that your grandchildren need you to cover their shifts this weekend.
You Fucked Up Your Pension
Thirty years as a plumber and then you had to go and shoot a guy on your last week?
You Live Frugally, Avoid Debt, And Invest Whatever Is Left Over
This misguided approach originates in a prank memo that executives at Goldman Sachs passed around in 1898 and was never meant to be taken seriously.
You’re Constantly Haunted By A Graph With A Downward Red Arrow
No matter how much you swat at it, it just won’t go away.
You Did Everything Right And It Still Wasn’t Enough
Tough break.
