Bush, Cheney Become Last Surviving Members Of Tontine Pledge For Cask Of Brandy

WASHINGTON—Nodding curtly to each other as they both descended into the crypt containing the treasured item, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney became the last two surviving members of a tontine pledge for a cask of rare brandy, sources confirmed Monday. “Who’d have ever guessed it would be down to just the pair of us,” said Bush, chuckling as he inserted the golden key taken from the body of Colin Powell next to Donald Rumsfeld’s in the locked coffin holding the cask of Louis XIII cognac. “I’ll outlive you yet, Dick—I’ve waited too long to taste the sweet spirit on my tongue to have an old codger like you thwart me at the end. So, now, let us bid adieu, and I expect we shan’t see each other again until one of our funerals.” At press time, a scheming Cheney was considering how an unfortunate accident befalling the former president would guarantee him possession of the coveted libation.