IRS Reports Your Taxes Specifically Were Spent To Drone-Strike Kids

WASHINGTON—Pinpointing the exact allocation of your contributions, the Internal Revenue Service released a report Monday revealing that your taxes specifically were spent to drone-strike kids. “Our balance sheets indicate that the 22% federal income tax you paid last year was used on UAV attacks that killed multiple civilian children in Iraq, Syria, and Yemen,” said Dennis Cartwright, an accountant with the service, outlining how your withholdings directly funded the equipment and personnel involved in launching Hellfire missiles at innocent juveniles in war-torn regions of the Middle East. “While your neighbor’s taxes were used to supplement healthcare for low-income Americans, yours were used on extrajudicial killings that took place at weddings, schools, and hospitals. Had you not paid your taxes last year, these murders would never have occurred.” The IRS also confirmed that given the raise you just received, you will most likely be funding even more drone strikes.