Report: Virtual Reality Still No Closer To Allowing Users To Make Out With Abraham Lincoln

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to a new report issued Monday by researchers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Media Lab, years of advances in virtual reality have brought users no closer to being able to make out with a digital interface resembling Abraham Lincoln. “While technology can now provide us with convincing interactive experiences in a variety of artificial environments, we are still unable to simulate convincing, steamy tongue kisses with President Lincoln,” said MIT professor Spencer Roberts, explaining that VR had repeatedly failed to recreate the sensations of loosening the 16th U.S. president’s black bow tie, caressing his chest, feeling his taut, well-muscled shoulders, and wrapping one’s legs around his powerful 6-foot-4-inch frame. “We’ve spent close to $65 million on this problem, and while we have succeeded in providing users with a recreation of what his stiff beard might have felt like against their cheek, we have yet to construct a workable replication of this rail-splitting frontiersman’s lean and lanky flesh, which they could then explore with their lips. It’s unfortunate, because this technology showed so much promise back in 1990, when we first built a computer that could run a 16-bit animated graphic of Lincoln doing a striptease that concluded with him wearing nothing but his stovepipe hat.” Roberts went on to contrast the failure with VR’s runaway success in building a simulation of what it would feel like to get drilled from behind by Lyndon B. Johnson.