Report: The Moon, It’s Getting Closer!

WASHINGTON—Urging the public to save themselves while they still could, astronomers confirmed today that the moon—right there in the sky!—was getting closer. “Dear God, run you fools! Run before the moon destroys us all!” said visibly panicked NASA administrator Bill Nelson, gesturing to the enormous lunar surface as he stressed that earth’s only natural satellite grew closer with each orbit’s passing and soon it would be too late. “Look up! Can’t you see how near it’s come already? It fills the sky! We must do something or perish. Quick, grab the children!” At press time, NASA had issued a press release imploring the public to brace for impact.