In an effort to learn about the ultimate part that had eluded actors throughout their careers, The Onion asked some of Hollywood’s biggest stars to talk about missing out on iconic roles.
Glenn Close
“One word: Chewbacca.”
Daniel Day-Lewis
“I wish I got to play every other role in every movie I’ve been in because I can’t stop thinking about how much everyone else sucked.”
Meryl Streep
“One day, I want to dress up like a gorilla and light Johnny Knoxville’s pubes on fire.”
Scarlett Johansson
“It would definitely be a challenge, but I’ve always wanted to try playing a white person.”
Judi Dench
“It’s always been a dream of mine to play Donatello in a live action Ninja Turtles reboot. I had a shot in the ’80s, but I completely botched the audition, and now it doesn’t like it’s gonna be happening anytime soon.”
Mo’Nique
“My dream is to work again. Winning an Oscar didn’t do jack shit for my career.”
Tom Hanks
“Mr. Typewriter—he’s half-man, half-vintage Underwood No 5. typewriter, and he absolutely does not fight crime—but so far, no one will finance this movie.”
Barry Pepper
“I would love to play myself, but I don’t know who that is. Never have. The self is a mystery.”
Emma Stone
“I’d actually love to spend some time behind the camera. So maybe something like “Woman Holding Camera.”
Wesley Snipes
“Boy, there are many, but it’s gotta be the inventor of the refrigerator, Carl von Linde, for me. Talk about a life that’s made for the big screen.”
Jameela Jamil
“I’ve been working on a script for it on and off for several years, but there’s just something about the life of Carl von Linde, the inventor of the refrigerator, that really speaks to me as a story that I’d love to direct as well as star in.”
Ted Danson
“I feel incredibly lucky to have played roles in some great television shows, but if they ever make a miniseries about Carl von Linde, the inventor of the refrigerator, playing him would be the honor of my career.”
Samuel L. Jackson
“It’s always been my most cherished wish to do a long-running series of ads for the Discover It card, but I’ve just had to make do with what I’ve been offered.”
E.T.
“’E.T. came out the same year as The King of Comedy, and sometimes I wish I’d extended myself to take on Rupert Pupkin because I doubt I’ll ever get to work with Scorsese now.”
Steven Yeun
“Elvis Presley getting hit by a bus.”
Daniel Kaluuya
“I would kill to play a baby. I can coo and everything.”
Robert Downey Jr.
“Back at SNL, I had an idea for a sketch called “Naked Guy.” Basically, it’s a guy who’s always naked. But the writers kept telling me, ‘That’s not a joke.’”
George Clooney
“Truth be told, it still stings to watch Murder On The Orient Express. I would have made a great train.”
Robert Pattinson
“A pine cone.”
Lucy Liu
“I don’t remember which of Charlie’s Angels I played, but I’d love a crack at the other two.”
Julia Roberts
“I was this close to landing the lead in Evita, but when I was getting ready to leave for the final round of auditions, I spilled a big pot of gravy all over my apartment. It was all in the rugs, carpets, everything. I couldn’t just leave it there, or it would crust up and my house would smell like gravy forever. I had to call to reschedule, and before I had another shot, they booked Madonna.”
Forest Whitaker
“Minion.”
Ben Kingsley
“I’d love to play Gandhi 3-4 more times—that guy’s gotta be full of adventures.”
Anthony Hopkins
“I’ll never forget how absolutely gutted I was when the casting director told me that I was not invited to audition and was too old to be in High School Musical.”
Timothée Chalamet
“My dream role was being a slide in an Onion slideshow, so I’ll have to come up with a new one now.”
Jack Nicholson
“I’ve never made a mistake in my career, and fuck you for asking.”
Mel Gibson
“I would have crushed Mad Max: Fury Road if it weren’t for all the Jew stuff.”
