Report: Carrying Around Boombox On Shoulder Still Coolest Thing Most Americans Can Imagine

NEW YORK—Citing data provided by a focus group of over 100,000 people across all demographics, a new report published Monday by the Nielsen Company confirmed that someone carrying around a giant boombox on their shoulder was still the coolest thing the majority of Americans could imagine. “Despite decades of technological leaps, global innovation, and the ever-shifting fads of personal style, when asked to close their eyes and imagine the most badass thing possible, 99.99% of those surveyed revealed that the primary image that came to mind was someone strutting around the street, blasting tunes on a boombox,” said lead researcher Rhonda Jackson, noting that even when presented with photos of someone jumping a motorcycle over a row of school buses, bad boys in leather jackets, and even a knife-wielding crab, those depicting a Lasonic TRC-975 portable double-cassette player with a ten band equalizer hoisted by a hardcore motherfucker were consistently selected as the absolute height of awesomeness. “Some variations among song choice and media types emerged when pressed for details, as well as whether the substitution of kickass high-top roller skates would increase or detract from the hipness factor, but, overall, the general aesthetic of a B-boy or B-girl armed with a blaring boombox was almost unanimously agreed upon as ‘totally fucking dope.’” Jackson added that the 10 participants who made up the .01 percentage point differential had all been adamant that nothing could be cooler than bulldogs wearing sunglasses while riding on a skateboard.