Nation Hears Voices Encouraging It To Buy Gun

WASHINGTON—Searching for a motive to explain the country’s epidemic of mass shootings, sources confirmed Friday that the nation was constantly hearing voices encouraging it to buy a gun. “I hear them all the time, these angry, paranoid voices urging me to go out and arm myself,” said Pennsylvania resident Arthur Moreland, echoing the sentiments of millions across the country who confirmed that the voices had been trying to persuade them for a long time now, and that no matter what they did, they couldn’t get them to stop. “At first, I tried just shutting out the voices that keep insisting there are lots of bad people in the world out to get me and that I’ll never be safe without a gun. But they’re everywhere and they never shut up. God, if they don’t stop soon, I’m worried I might do something rash.” At press time, the increasingly cagey and fearful nation had decided to seek help acquiring a semiautomatic rifle.