Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You’ll be devastated by the news that you could have stopped a major tragedy in Nigeria if you had only answered their pleading emails in time.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your eyes will be a little too big for your stomach next week when a sudden, hideous allergic reaction causes your eyes to swell six times their usual size.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Home is where your heart is, and your lungs and liver too, but despite a month-long search they’ll never find all of you.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
For the third excruciating week in a row, you will find yourself powerless to prevent your day from perfectly mimicking the lyrics of “Stairway To Heaven.”
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You can’t help but feel that if there were something you could do to stop being such a wishy-washy, passive, indecisive loser, you would have done it by now.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Air and fire magicks are very strong in your sign right now, so it’s fortunate that you’re really into igniting your own flatulence.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You’ll find steady if undignified employment as the guy who stands right behind the crime boss and emphatically repeats the last words of all his sentences in a sneering voice.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll fall short of funky expectations this week when you find yourself digging the scene and looking clean, but without any sort of gangster lean.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The stars have no wisdom or portents to impart at this time, but thought it would be bad manners not to at least say hi.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ve always wanted to be the one that people come to for wisdom and comfort, but you’ll have to settle for being the one that the stripper winds up talking to about her kids.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Sometimes there is just no way to say you’re sorry, but the rest of the time you should probably try just walking up to the person and saying “I’m sorry.”
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You try to be a decent person with a good perspective on life and a firm view of right and wrong, but you’ll soon find yourself ordering something called a half-caff skinny maple soy latte.
