The Onion Calls Upon The Cowardly State Of Iowa To Stop Its Dithering And Declare Itself For One Candidate Or The Other
With 42 percent of precincts reporting and the margin between the candidates holding at less than a percentage point, The Onion calls upon the spineless state of Iowa to quit its tarrying, pull itself together, and make a goddamn choice already. According to The Onion’s electoral models, the Midwestern state needs to get its shit in order and figure out which way it’s going to go, because this isn’t even that complicated, for Christ’s sake. The Onion projects that the timid little Hawkeye State has 20 minutes or so to decide which candidate will get its six puny electoral votes, or we’ll just go ahead and call it for Jill Stein, and you’ll just have to deal with it.
Nation’s Optimists Need To Shut The Fuck Up Right Now
WASHINGTON—Saying their rosy attitude about the state of the election was not helping anything given what is currently transpiring, sources confirmed Tuesday night that the nation’s optimists need to seriously shut the fuck up as soon as humanly fucking possible. “Sure, things may look bad right now, but even if the worst happens, it’s only four years we’re talking about here,” said Santa Fe, NM resident Pete Mirenge, one of hundreds of thousands of positive thinkers across the nation who would do everyone a huge goddamn favor by closing their fucking traps right this fucking second and keeping them sealed for the foreseeable future. “This is exactly why we have a system of checks and balances—to ensure that whatever happens in the election, the executive branch never gets too much power. Think about it: Has any president been able to carry out their platform to the letter? No. Nothing’s ever as bad as it seems, believe me.” According to sources, a calm and composed Mirenge—who reportedly has about five seconds before his mouth is shut for him—then added that the country’s been through much worse and everything turned out okay.
Tim Kaine Shows Hillary His Belly Button To Cheer Her Up After Losing Ohio
After it was officially projected that Donald Trump would take the critical swing state of Ohio and its 18 electoral votes, vice presidential nominee Tim Kaine quickly ran over to a visibly disappointed Hillary Clinton and attempted to lift her spirits by pulling his shirt up above his midriff and showing her his belly button. The Virginia senator spent several minutes holding up the bottom of his shirt with his chin while repeatedly pointing at his navel and informing Clinton that he has “a innie [sic],” prompting Clinton to curtly nod and say “Yes, that’s right,” before craning her neck to look past him at the electoral map to track her progress in Florida and Nevada.
Onion chief political correspondent Martin Hazelton is reporting live from Clinton HQ in New York City throughout the evening.
Jill Stein Addresses Voters On Twitter
A Recap Of The Onion’s Exit Polls
The Onion has been camped out at polling locations nationwide to collect the most accurate exit poll data and offer the only journalistic refuge in a world teeming with chaos and lies. Here are the highlights:
How Ordinary Americans Feel About What Remains Of This Country
Every four years, against anyone’s better judgment, the American people are entrusted to elect the next president. The Onion let them tell their stories.
Election Night Orgy Shifts Positions So Everyone Can See Results Come In
Clinton Leaves Office On Motorcycle To Hunt Down Precinct Leaders Who Haven’t Reported Yet
With the majority of polls now closed across the country and no victor yet declared, Hillary Clinton reportedly left her campaign watch party moments ago, jumped on a red Suzuki Hayabusa motorcycle, and sped off to track down any precinct leader who has yet to report their county’s election returns. Secretary Clinton could be seen weaving between cars in Manhattan, driving on the sidewalk to get past several areas of heavy traffic, and then accelerating to speeds in excess of 110 miles per hour once she reached the interstate. Reporters were unable to keep up with the Democratic nominee, but numerous witnesses confirmed that Clinton had a baseball bat stowed next to her and appeared incredibly irate before she pulled down the tinted visor on her helmet, revved the motorcycle’s engine, and tore away.
Onion chief political correspondent Martin Hazelton is reporting live from Clinton HQ in New York City throughout the evening.
Wolf Blitzer Walks Into Middle Of Olive Garden Commercial To Announce Breaking Election Results
NEW YORK—Briskly striding into frame and interrupting a jubilant family meal, CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer reportedly entered the middle of an Olive Garden commercial airing during the network’s election coverage Tuesday night to announce a late-breaking election result. “Breaking news: CNN is calling Nevada for Hillary Clinton,” said Blitzer, stepping directly in front of a smiling mother passing a heaping plate of fettucine alfredo to her daughter and shushing the laughter of surrounding tables so that he could add that the victory dealt a severe blow to Donald Trump’s chances of reaching the Oval Office. “We are projecting that Secretary Clinton will take the crucial swing state’s six electoral votes, putting her on the inside track to securing the 270 electoral votes needed—hey, excuse me, will you please keep it down?—needed to win the presidency.” At press time, Blitzer was ducking in panic as the Olive Garden logo came swooping into frame.
Election Flashback: Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress (2008)
WASHINGTON—After emerging victorious from one of the most pivotal elections in history, president-elect Barack Obama will assume the role of commander in chief on Jan. 20, shattering a racial barrier the United States is, at long last, shitty enough to overcome.
Although polls going into the final weeks of October showed Sen. Obama in the lead, it remained unclear whether the failing economy, dilapidated housing market, crumbling national infrastructure, health care crisis, energy crisis, and five-year-long disastrous war in Iraq had made the nation crappy enough to rise above 300 years of racial prejudice and make lasting change.
“Today the American people have made their voices heard, and they have said, ‘Things are finally as terrible as we’re willing to tolerate,” said Obama, addressing a crowd of unemployed, uninsured, and debt-ridden supporters. “To elect a black man, in this country, and at this time—these last eight years must have really broken you.”
Added Obama, “It’s a great day for our nation.”
The Onion Calls New Hampshire For Trump, Never Mind What The Liberal Media Establishment Will Try To Tell You
As results continue to come in, The Onion is projecting a decisive win for Donald Trump in New Hampshire, no matter what the mainstream liberal media will try to lead you to believe. The real polls that we saw just a few days ago showed Trump leading the state by as many as nine points, but of course those numbers were DELIBERATELY SUPPRESSED by elite-controlled left-wing media outlets like The New York Times and Washington Post in order to push their BLATANT and DANGEROUS pro-Clinton agenda. So while you’re watching some leftist establishment “news” show on CNN call New Hampshire for a CRIMINAL, just remember that we’re the only ones willing to tell We the People the TRUTH about this election’s results.
Gary Johnson Seeks Election Day Help
The Onion Projects Clinton Will Win Illinois, Although That’s What We’ve Been Saying All Along, For Christ’s Sake
With polls now closed in the state, The Onion projects that Hillary Clinton will take Illinois, which, if you’d been paying any attention to what we’ve been saying all along, you would’ve known was going to happen. Seriously, you better not be surprised about this, because we’ve been telling everyone from the beginning—literally from the very beginning—that Clinton was going to take these 20 electoral votes. Christ, we should’ve just put this damn graphic up months ago and saved ourselves all the time and effort, for crying out loud.
The Onion Projects Bubba, The Biggest, Meanest Catfish In The Mississip’, To Win Missouri
Hoooo-weee! The Onion gon’ come right out and pro-ject Bubba, the biggest, meanest, most confounding-est catfish in the Mississip’, to take the whole of Missourah. And by the looks of it, that whiskery, whippy-tailed muck-lover is fixin’ to win by 14 points too, God cuss it! Just lookit this feller! How-dee-doo! Must be long enough to measure the whole length of the Big Muddy itself, we’d wager. A’course, heaps of folks gon’ ’round saying Bubba and all the fishin’ boats he done capsized is just a bit of fanciful tale-telling to rile up the young’uns ’fore they sent off to sleepin’. But now it does appear that the Catfish Devil of the Mississipp’ hisself is ready to grab up the Show Me State and all 10 of its ee-leck-toral votes right into his big ol’ grinnin’ jaws. Golly, who woulda thought—that fish is meaner’n spit!
Millions Gather Under Times Square Countdown Clock To Celebrate End Of 2016 Election
NEW YORK—Marking the joyous occasion with singing, dancing, and a chorus of ecstatic cheers, an estimated 2 million citizens gathered beneath the Times Square countdown clock Tuesday night to celebrate the end of the 2016 election season, sources reported.
The crowd of revelers—many of whom had arrived in the early morning to stake out prime viewing locations—reportedly swelled in volume throughout the night, spilling over into nearby streets as many popped bottles of champagne, embraced loved ones, and finally joined together in a boisterous countdown seconds before the polls were scheduled to close.
“God, this is so amazing,” said local man Mark Edwards, gazing up at a fireworks display signaling the conclusion of the incessant media coverage, debates, stump speeches, and campaign advertisements of the election cycle. “I can’t even begin to describe how excited everyone is here. It’s really unbelievable.”
“Wooooo!” he shouted, his voice nearly drowned out by the sound of Kool & The Gang’s “Celebration” emanating from loudspeakers situated on buildings around the square.
Stressed-Out Mike Pence Goes Through Entire Box Of Communion Wafers While Watching Election Results
From the moment the first polls closed and news networks began broadcasting vote tallies, a visibly tense Mike Pence has been glued to the watch party television screens, shoveling handful after handful of Communion wafers into his mouth while he follows the results coming in. After dumping the few remnants of the 1,000-count box into his open mouth shortly after Virginia was called for Secretary Clinton, the Indiana governor could be seen brushing aside the pile of sacramental bread crumbs gathered on his chest before tossing the empty carton across the room and calling on an aide to bring him another.
Onion political correspondent Lyndsey Mishek is reporting live from Trump HQ in New York City throughout the evening.
Exit Polls Show Larger-Than-Expected Turnout Of Voters Who Are Scared Shitless
According to early exit polls in states across the East Coast and Midwest, a record number of voters are shitting their pants in sheer fucking terror after casting their ballot. Our statistical models predicted a significant turnout among Americans who are freaking the fuck out right now, but the data are revealing a much stronger showing than we originally projected, and it still remains to be seen what effect the absolutely-fucking-petrified vote will have on the election’s outcome. We can also confidently say that polling places in all 50 states have seen a historically low number of voters who are still capable of feeling optimism about anything.
Jake Hewitt is the founder and editor-in-chief of the Ballot Measure, which focuses on polling analysis and statistical forecasting for The Onion.
Tim Kaine Currently Doing Good Job Of Naming Colors On Electoral Map
It’s still too early to call the election either way, but one thing appears clear tonight: Vice presidential nominee Tim Kaine is doing an excellent job of identifying the colors on the electoral map. Kaine just pointed to Illinois on the live map and yelled “Blue!” before smiling widely and clapping his hands, having already correctly pointed out that Texas and Oklahoma are red “just like fire trucks.” The Virginia senator was said to have annoyed numerous top-level staffers, however, by repeatedly and excitedly shouting that Michigan remains gray.
UPDATE: Kaine is currently struggling to remember all the numbers from 1 to 50 while counting the states on the map.
Onion chief political correspondent Martin Hazelton is reporting live from Clinton HQ in New York City throughout the evening.
Local Voters Hit The Showers After Voting In High School Gymnasium
The mood is extremely positive here at the Blue Valley North High School gymnasium in Leawood, KS, where excited local voters are pouring into their respective locker rooms to hit the showers after successfully casting their ballots. Shouts of joy and congratulations are emanating from the men’s and women’s locker rooms as celebratory citizens high-five one another and slap each other on the back for their excellent performance in the voting booth. Reports also indicate that a number of the precinct’s more rowdy residents are snapping towels at first-time voters’ exposed backsides.
Compiled from reports out of The Onion’s Leawood, KS bureau as part of our Precinct Watch initiative, dedicated to covering all voting rights obstacles encountered by the feckless and feeble-minded American electorate.
The Onion Will Call Ohio For The Highest Bidder
With 4 percent of precincts reporting, The Onion is ready to call the state of Ohio and its 18 electoral votes for whoever offers us the highest bid. The key swing state, which The Onion projects could tip the election one way or the other, would be an extremely valuable pickup for any candidate willing to open their purse and make us a solid proposal. The Buckeye State would be perfect for a candidate looking to get to 270 votes, or it could be a nice addition that pads a candidate’s margin of victory and provides them with a clear mandate from the people. Let’s start the bidding at $75,000.
UPDATE: $75,000 bid. Do we see $80,000?
UPDATE: $80,000 bid. Do we see $90,000?
UPDATE: $80,000, going once.
UPDATE: $90,000 bid. Do we see $100,000?
UPDATE: $90,000, going once.
UPDATE: Going twice.
UPDATE: Sold to Secretary Hillary Clinton for $90,000!
UPDATE: The Onion is calling Ohio for Hillary Clinton.
Barron Trump Mentally Filing All Of Tonight’s Events Away For Future Therapy Session
Based on observations made throughout the evening, it appears that Donald and Melania Trump’s 10-year-old son, Barron, is carefully cataloging all of tonight’s events so they can one day be dealt with by a trained mental health professional in future therapy sessions. Barron has been seen on numerous occasions sitting quietly and closely watching as his father berates staffers and other watch party attendees whenever a new batch of voting data isn’t to his liking, listening intently to top-level aides angrily discussing whether “too many” blacks showed up at the polls in North Carolina, and carefully following the comments made by his father’s supporters on Twitter, almost certainly for the purpose of keeping each of these moments clearly in mind so that they can be worked through with a therapist in several years. It also appears that Barron senses there may be something big for him and his eventual psychoanalyst to spend a considerable amount of time discussing, as he’s now positioned himself at the foot of the dais for when the race gets called.
Onion political correspondent Lyndsey Mishek is reporting live from Trump HQ in New York City throughout the evening.
30-Year-Old Excited To Vote Near Big Trucks At Fire Station
The excitement is palpable at the North Fire Station polling place in Sausalito, CA for one local 30-year-old voter, who is thrilled to be casting her ballot right next to the big red fire trucks. Resident Kate Durham, a graphic designer and fully grown woman, was seen smiling broadly as she waited in line next to three massive fire engines, where she was able to get a close-up look at the truck’s large ladders, red lights, and the valves where the hoses connect. The woman, who is now in her fourth decade of life, was also overheard enthusiastically remarking to the person behind her how incredible it is that they “get to walk around inside here” before staring intently at the fire pole in the middle of the room.
Compiled from reports out of The Onion’s Sausalito, CA bureau as part of our Precinct Watch initiative, dedicated to covering all voting rights obstacles encountered by the feckless and feeble-minded American electorate.
Voters Experiencing Record Wait Times At Burger Place Outside 22nd Street Polling Station
Our correspondents are confirming a huge turnout outside the 22nd Street polling station in Reno, NV, as hundreds of voters stand in lines wrapping around the block to get into Mickey’s Burger Shack next door. Several exasperated individuals at the scene said they had to wait over three hours before placing their order. Additional reports suggest that many of those in line are growing irritable, especially following rumors that the shake machine broke. However, most seem undeterred, claiming that they could never forgive themselves if they missed out on participating in the historic two-for-Tuesday double bacon cheeseburger deal.
Compiled from reports out of The Onion’s Reno, NV bureau as part of our Precinct Watch initiative, dedicated to covering all voting rights obstacles encountered by the feckless and feeble-minded American electorate.
The Onion Is Calling California For Clinton To Get That Out Of The Way Now In Case We Forget Later
Just to be sure we don’t forget about this, The Onion is going to go ahead and call California for Hillary Clinton right now; that way, we won’t have to worry about it later. There’s going to be a lot going on tonight and a bunch of other states that we’ll be keeping track of pretty closely, and to be honest, this one might slip our mind. So, let’s just get a jump on things and officially announce that with zero precincts reporting, we are able to state that California’s 55 electoral votes will go to Clinton. Oh, and while we’re at it: The Onion projects that Gary Johnson will finish the night with zero electoral votes. Good to get that out of the way too.
Experts Projecting Bill Clinton To Live Though Election Night
In a completely unexpected late development, experts from Quinnipiac and Suffolk have projected Bill Clinton to live through election night. While some skepticism exists in certain corners that the former president will still be breathing by tomorrow morning, the sources I spoke to seemed confident that his major organs should continue functioning normally through at least the next 12 to 16 hours. But as we all know, anything can happen on Election Day.
UPDATE: Bill Clinton remains alive and appears to be fully conscious.
Onion chief political correspondent Martin Hazelton is reporting live from Clinton HQ in New York City throughout the evening.
Fed-Up Trump Aide Snaps, Starts Shouting There’s No Fucking Chance Vermont Was Rigged
The mood has grown tense here at Trump headquarters, as campaign strategist Mike Rubino began loudly screaming at the Republican nominee that there was “no fucking chance” that Vermont’s election results were rigged. Witnesses confirmed that Rubino had grown increasingly exasperated at Trump’s unwillingness to accept that voters may have selected Hillary Clinton of their own accord, at one point demanding that Trump stop immediately uttering the word “rigged” aloud every time he was informed another state had gone to his opponent. The last straw appeared to be when Trump argued that Clinton winning Vermont, a state with three electoral votes that hasn’t gone for a Republican since 1988, was proof of a widespread conspiracy against him. In response, Rubino was heard shouting, “Shut up! Shut the fuck up! There’s absolutely no fucking way you’d ever win Vermont, Donald! You won’t find one goddamn poll in the world that even puts you in the fucking ballpark. I mean, Vermont? Who the fuck do you think you are? No one fucking likes you there—it’s fucking Vermont! Jesus fucking Christ. And you know what else? None of the other ones are rigged either! There, I said it. Maryland isn’t rigged. Massachusetts isn’t rigged. And guess what? Neither is Pennsylvania! God, you’re such a sack of shit!” Upon noticing that the rest of the ballroom had gone silent and everyone was staring at him, Rubino paused, quietly apologized, and sat back down at his laptop, at which time he was grabbed by two security officials and escorted out of the New York Hilton Midtown.
Onion political correspondent Lyndsey Mishek is reporting live from Trump HQ in New York City throughout the evening.
The Onion Projects Clinton Will Win The Heart Of Muncie, Indiana Resident Derek Mumkin
With nearly all the man’s deepest emotions now reporting, The Onion is projecting that Hillary Clinton has won the heart of 46-year-old Derek Mumkin of Muncie, IN. According to The Onion’s electoral models, Clinton overcame long odds to take the local electrical worker’s affections, securing a higher-than-anticipated number of his hopes and desires, and performing particularly strongly with his sense of possibility. With the decisive victory, Clinton adds the divorced father of two’s 0.000001662 electoral votes to her total, partially counteracting Trump’s recent wins with both of Mumkin’s ex-wives.
Blanket Placed Over Rudy Giuliani’s Cage
In a late-breaking development here at Trump headquarters, campaign aides have just thrown an old blanket over the cage of former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani. The hope, as we’ve heard, is that covering Giuliani’s enclosure will help quiet down the campaign surrogate, who became extremely agitated at the mention of Hillary Clinton’s name on one of the television broadcasts and disrupted the entire election watch party by frantically screeching and banging his head against the cage’s metal bars. If this effort fails to silence the politician, the campaign is considering relocating Giuliani to the Trump Tower basement for the remainder of the night.
Onion political correspondent Lyndsey Mishek is reporting live from Trump HQ in New York City throughout the evening.
Report: Turnout Fairly Unattractive Throughout Suburban Philadelphia
Our correspondents are reporting a steady turnout of homely and hideous residents throughout the suburban Philadelphia area that shows no signs of slowing down. In Montgomery County, polling places are said to be bustling with scores of schlubby, overweight voters, while Bucks and Delaware counties were reportedly busy all morning with an influx of unsightly, poorly groomed constituents, with many of the local oinkers having to wait upwards of an hour in line to cast their ballot. Overall, turnout in the area appears to be way uglier than analysts initially predicted.
Compiled from reports out of The Onion’s Philadelphia bureau as part of our Precinct Watch initiative, dedicated to covering all voting rights obstacles encountered by the feckless and feeble-minded American electorate.
Swing State Profile: Wisconsin
The Onion breaks down Wisconsin and its 10 crucial electoral votes:
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleEducation: Lawmakers are arguing that lifetime jobs in the form of tenure are only for lawmakers.
Biggest race in the statePolitician Who Will Tell You The Truth vs. Politician Who Will Fight For Change (U.S. House District 7): Many voters are still undecided as to whether they will be voting for the politician who’s a straight talker or the politician who won’t give up until things are better.
Fun factWisconsin is the country’s largest producer of indigestion.
America’s Finest News Source took a closer look at the country’s 50 worst states to provide voters nationwide with the facts they need. To see all states, visit our State-By-State Election Guide.
Onion Exit Poll: How Long Did You Have To Wait In Line To Cast Your Vote?
Record Number Of Americans Have Already Lost Hands To Ballot Machines
With several hours still remaining before the first polls close, reports coming in from across the nation have confirmed that this election has already seen a record number of voters have their hands torn off by ballot machines. As of this moment, an estimated 35,000 Americans have lost fingers, hands, or entire limbs today while attempting to feed their ballot into their polling place’s scanner, which compares to just 27,000 cases in the entire 2012 election. Since this morning, I’ve personally witnessed three people get caught in the machine and have their arm ripped off at the elbow. Luckily, in each case, polling attendants were able to quickly unclog the machine and get things moving again with little delay.
Compiled from reports out of The Onion’s Washington, D.C. bureau as part of our Precinct Watch initiative, dedicated to covering all voting rights obstacles encountered by the feckless and feeble-minded American electorate.
Clinton Tweets To Voters Before Polls Close
Onion Exit Poll: Which Of The Candidates’ Personal Qualities Mattered Most When Making Your Voting Decision?
‘What’s Our Best Path To 270?’ Gary Johnson Asks Campaign Aides Packing Up Office
SALT LAKE CITY—Inquiring about several potential scenarios, Libertarian Party presidential nominee Gary Johnson reportedly asked his campaign aides what their best path to 270 electoral votes was while they were in the midst of packing up the candidate’s headquarters Tuesday. “Okay, let’s think through the electoral map and see where our clearest shot at victory is,” said Johnson to top advisors who were taping shut cardboard boxes containing unsold campaign T-shirts, bumper stickers, and buttons reading “#LetGaryDebate.” “Have we gained any traction in Florida? That would give us a lot more wiggle room in New Hampshire and North Carolina. And if we got a strong early turnout in Alaska and South Dakota, that definitely moves us a lot closer to 270, if not beyond.” At press time, Johnson was muttering to himself about the western Mountain states in an empty office as his campaign staff went out back and threw everything into the dumpster.
Staff All Trying To Keep Distance From Trump In Case He Needs To Be Comforted
As unfavorable returns continue to come in, the mood here at Trump headquarters has become more subdued, with campaign staffers trying their best to seem busy and keep as much distance as they can between themselves and the candidate in the event he needs to be comforted. Aides are anticipating that if several crucial swing states don’t go the Republican nominee’s way in the next hour, Trump might very well become visibly sad, a prospect that has already prompted most of them to begin avoiding eye contact with him and retreating to remote corners of the Hilton ballroom. Just moments ago, after Hillary Clinton’s lead in Pennsylvania grew to 3 percentage points, Trump reportedly emitted an audible sigh, prompting everyone within earshot to briskly stride toward the restrooms.
Onion political correspondent Lyndsey Mishek is reporting live from Trump HQ in New York City throughout the evening.
Clinton Taking Break From Election Day Madness By Reviewing Internal Revenue Code
Hillary Clinton has done her best tonight to appear enthusiastic and full of energy, but it’s clear that the chaos of Election Day has begun to take its toll. Minutes ago, I witnessed her step away from her election watch party here in midtown Manhattan in order to relax and decompress by carefully reviewing the U.S. federal tax code. Clinton is said to be, at present, calming her nerves by lounging in a private room away from the crowds where she can sit back and quietly page through Section 1551 regarding the disallowance of the benefits of the graduated corporate rates and the accumulated earnings credit.
UPDATE: After an aide informed her that she needs to get back to the watch party, Clinton reportedly used a napkin to mark the page where she left off in “Chapter 6: Consolidated Returns” before returning to the rest of her staff.
Onion chief political correspondent Martin Hazelton is reporting live from Clinton HQ in New York City throughout the evening.
Onion Exit Poll: Why Did You Vote For Jill Stein?
Our Polling Model Shows Why You Shouldn’t Give A Fuck About Montana
Using a linear regression model that augmented the available data from both national polls and state-level surveys, the Ballot Measure electoral model clearly shows that Montana isn’t worth jack shit in this election and that you shouldn’t give the slightest fuck about it one way or the other. Statistical trends over the past four elections already suggested that this worthless expanse was about as fucking meaningless as a state could get, but with incoming exit polls and early voting data, it’s now obvious that MT can go suck a fat one, because its three paltry electoral votes sure as shit don’t matter one way or the other.
Jake Hewitt is the founder and editor-in-chief of the Ballot Measure, which focuses on polling analysis and statistical forecasting for The Onion.
Onion Exit Poll: Why Did You Vote For Gary Johnson?
Swing State Profile: Iowa
The Onion breaks down Iowa and its six crucial electoral votes:
Most critical issue facing this state this election cyclePiracy: Illegal pirated copies of corn sold on the black market cost the state an estimated $600 million annually.
Biggest race in the stateDave Loebsack vs. Christopher Peters (U.S. House District 2): Campaign aides have been fattening up these premium candidates since last spring in hopes that they can take home the congressional district’s coveted blue ribbon.
Fun factThe renowned University of Iowa Writers’ Workshop has produced some of America’s most notable and impressive rejection letters.
America’s Finest News Source took a closer look at the country’s 50 worst states to provide voters nationwide with the facts they need. To see all states, visit our State-By-State Election Guide.
Onion Exit Poll: Why Did You Vote For Hillary Clinton?
Trump Supporter Complaining Of Short Lines At Inner City Polling Stations
Heading into this election, there was a considerable amount of speculation and concern about what voting conditions would be like on Election Day, and at least one Donald Trump supporter here in Charlotte, NC has complained about the very short lines he’s seeing at this inner-city polling place. This echoes reports we’ve been hearing from perturbed and alarmed Trump supporters throughout the nation’s urban areas who are confirming wait times as short as 15 minutes at polling locations that serve mostly minorities. Many of these individuals have reportedly placed calls to their local Trump field offices in hopes of finding a quick remedy to the issue.
Compiled from reports out of The Onion’s Charlotte, NC bureau as part of our Precinct Watch initiative, dedicated to covering all voting rights obstacles encountered by the feckless and feeble-minded American electorate.
Onion Exit Poll: Why Did You Vote For Donald Trump?
FEC Reports On Issue At Missouri Polling Place
Voter Dreading Being Sent Over To Visibly Stupid Poll Worker
INDIANAPOLIS—His stomach reportedly sinking immediately after he entered the line at his polling place and caught sight of the complete oaf sitting behind the volunteer table, local voter Steven Wu confirmed Tuesday that he was dreading being sent over to a visibly stupid election worker to receive his ballot. “Oh God, look at this dummy—they better not point me toward him,” said Wu, who grew increasingly nervous as he moved up in line and witnessed the slow-moving and slow-witted moron apologize to several voters in a row after mistaking a stack of provisional ballots for regular ballots and subsequently knocking a container of markers onto the floor. “Ugh. Now he’s saying he locked himself out of the computer that has all the voters’ names in it. Jesus Christ, this guy’s as dumb as a post.” At press time, Wu was silently cursing to himself as the spectacular dumbfuck got up to ask the polling place’s most competent volunteer for help.
LIVE: The Onion Looks Inside A Voting Booth
https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=10154814299354497
Onion Exit Poll: Do You Approve Of How Barack Obama Has Performed As President?
Where The Fuck Is The St. Francis Of Assisi Church?
Jesus fucking Christ, we’ve circled this stupid block, like, four times now looking for this goddamn church. They said the polling station is 214 East Washington. This is East Washington Street, right? God, we’ve been driving around looking for this place for a frigging hour now. Wait, is that it? No, shit! That’s the fucking Lutheran church again. Goddamn it, there’s no way in hell we’re getting there before the damn polls close.
Compiled from reports out of The Onion’s Dayton, OH bureau as part of our Precinct Watch initiative, dedicated to covering all voting rights obstacles encountered by the feckless and feeble-minded American electorate.
Are You An Undecided Voter With A Terminal Illness? Donate Your Body To Our Electoral Autopsy Project To Help Us Better Understand The Results
If you are a late-deciding or still undecided voter who is suffering from a terminal illness, the Ballot Measure—The Onion’s polling analysis and statistical forecasting blog—asks that you please consider donating your body to our electoral autopsy project, which aims to develop more effective ways to analyze and decipher the results of the 2016 election. By donating your whole body, you will give an incredibly precious gift, a gift that will advance our understanding of voter behavior and help dramatically decrease the expected margin of error for all future polling in swing states.
Jake Hewitt is the founder and editor-in-chief of the Ballot Measure, which focuses on polling analysis and statistical forecasting for The Onion.
Swing State Profile: Michigan
The Onion breaks down Michigan and its 16 crucial electoral votes:
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleWhat Might Happen Next: Residents are plagued by the nagging doubt that poisoning thousands of its citizens might not have been the state’s rock bottom.
Biggest race in the stateHillary Clinton vs. Donald Trump (U.S. President): You Michiganders would just fucking love to be a swing state, wouldn’t you? Well, guess what? Your state isn’t that complicated this year, and you’re probably going to go for Hillary Clinton, so get over yourselves.
Fun factDetroit is the largest archeological site in the United States and once supported an ancient civilization of over 1 million people.
America’s Finest News Source took a closer look at the country’s 50 worst states to provide voters nationwide with the facts they need. To see all states, visit our State-By-State Election Guide.
Election Flashback: Defeated Man Victorious (2012)
CHICAGO—Following a turbulent first term in office and one of the tightest and most-hard-fought presidential campaigns in recent history, a wholly and utterly defeated man emerged victorious Tuesday, winning reelection with 332 electoral votes.
The shell of a man, who won 26 states and lost all hope in the American people, was able to secure victory with 50.6 percent of the popular vote, narrowly holding off a spirited challenge from Republican candidate Mitt Romney. Shortly after 11:00 p.m. Eastern time, upon prevailing in the key battleground state of Ohio, major media outlets declared the thoroughly beaten man’s victory.
An hour later, the triumphant defeated man took the stage in Chicago’s McCormick Place convention center to the cheers of more than 10,000 supporters.
Nervous Voter Totally Blanks On American Values While Looking At Ballot
BOSTON—Staring intently forward as she racked her brain for what the qualities could possibly be, local voter Wendy Patterson reportedly found herself unable to recall a single American value while filling out her ballot Tuesday. “Oh, shit, what do we as a nation stand for again? I swear I know this,” said Patterson, squinting and placing her pen to her chin before sighing and looking up at the ceiling as she tried in vain to remember the virtues that America embodied. “I think freedom is definitely one of them, and, what is it—togetherness? No, dignity? Is that one? God, I’m totally screwed.” At press time, Patterson had completely panicked and filled out the rest of her ballot randomly.
Onion Exit Poll: Who Did You Vote For?
We Haven’t Heard Any Polling Data From North Dakota For Like 3 Weeks Now And We’re Starting To Worry. Can Someone Go Check On Them?
As we’ve been continuously updating the Ballot Measure electoral projection model with live returns, we realized that we haven’t heard any polling data from North Dakota for about three weeks now, and we’re starting to worry about them. Would somebody who lives nearby—maybe in Montana or Minnesota—go check on them to make sure they’re okay? It’s just not like them to go more than a week without sending any public opinion information, and they haven’t been picking up their phones for tracking polls lately. We’re getting pretty concerned that something could be wrong.
UPDATE: We finally heard from North Dakota, and we’re relieved to report that they’re safe and sound, and solidly Trump as expected.
Jake Hewitt is the founder and editor-in-chief of the Ballot Measure, which focuses on polling analysis and statistical forecasting for The Onion.
Report: A Few Lucky Voters Got To Die Yesterday
We continue to receive reports from around the country confirming that several lucky voters were fortunate enough to die yesterday. In addition to avoiding casting a ballot in today’s election, the enviably deceased individuals also never have to hear or think about either of the candidates ever again, having hit it big by entering an eternity of blackness. The Onion offers them our congratulations.
Compiled from reports out of The Onion’s Washington, D.C. bureau as part of our Precinct Watch initiative, dedicated to covering all voting rights obstacles encountered by the feckless and feeble-minded American electorate.
Onion Exit Poll: What Issue Mattered Most When Making Your Voting Decision?
Swing State Profile: Virginia
The Onion breaks down Virginia and its 13 crucial electoral votes:
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleEnvironment: Rising global temperatures have made the sand on Virginia Beach next to unbearable to sit on.
Biggest race in the stateSpecial Property Tax Exemption (Ballot Measure): If passed, a new law would create a property tax exemption for spouses of police officers and other emergency workers killed in the line of duty, as well as presumably lead to some pretty elaborate murder-for-hire scenarios.
Fun factVirginia peaked the earliest out of all 50 states.
America’s Finest News Source took a closer look at the country’s 50 worst states to provide voters nationwide with the facts they need. To see all states, visit our State-By-State Election Guide.
Election Flashback: Black Man Given Nation’s Worst Job (2008)
WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America.
In his new high-stress, low-reward position, Obama will be charged with such tasks as completely overhauling the nation’s broken-down economy, repairing the crumbling infrastructure, and generally having to please more than 300 million Americans and cater to their every whim on a daily basis. As part of his duties, the black man will have to spend four to eight years cleaning up the messes other people left behind. The job comes with such intense scrutiny and so certain a guarantee of failure that only one other person even bothered applying for it.
Said scholar and activist Mark L. Denton, “It just goes to show you that, in this country, a black man still can’t catch a break.”
Compare The Candidates’ Stances On Immigration
Before America votes, The Onion offers a refresher on the candidates’ differing platforms on the biggest issues facing our nation, including immigration:
America’s Finest News Source compared the 2016 presidential candidates on the key positions that their advisors and focus group coordinators decided they hold. Read the full feature here.
Within The Walls Of This Suburban Polling Place, I Am God
Election Day is once again upon us. After another four years, the time has come for our nation to choose its leaders, and it is important that each of us is adequately prepared for the task. Here are a few helpful hints to keep in mind as you head out to cast your ballot: Know which voting district you’re registered in, know the hours your voting location will be open, and know that within the bounds of this suburban polling place, I am God.
Kneel before my infinite might, voters of Ward 39, Precinct 142!
From my seat of power behind this plastic folding table, I rule over all I survey, a domain that stretches from the double-door entrance of the Harker Middle School gymnasium to the pushed-in rows of bleachers at the back. Everything bathed by the harsh fluorescent lights gleaming from above is mine, for I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Keeper of the Voter Registry Printout and the Giver of “I Voted” Stickers. All who live between Maple Rose Avenue and Tenby Terrace and are eligible to vote must count themselves as my subjects.
Do not dare question me! From the time you pass the Harker Wildcats logo on the baseline until you exit through the door by the boys’ locker room after submitting your ballot, my word is law. I am all-powerful, I am almighty, and I alone hold sway over everyone and everything in this kingdom.
Unless your last name begins with a letter between L and Z. In that case, Carol will be assisting you.
Ben Carson Issues Election Day Plea To Twitter Followers
Clinton Already Has A 22-Point Lead In The New Jersey Absentee Ballots I Intercepted And Opened So Far
Some very good news for Hillary Clinton out of New Jersey: She’s already jumped ahead to a 22-point lead among absentee voters based on all the mail-in ballots I’ve intercepted and opened thus far. HRC was always favored to win the historically blue Garden State, but based on my personal count of absentee ballots that I stole from post offices in Hoboken, Woodbridge, and Paterson, she is projected to take NJ with 57.26% of the vote—just 1.12 percentage points less than Barack Obama in 2012. In fact, using the random sampling of thousands of absentee ballots I took out of mailboxes last week across the state—each of which I tallied and then burned—HRC could theoretically take NJ’s 14 electoral votes by the largest margin for a Democratic nominee since Lyndon B. Johnson in 1964.
Jake Hewitt is the founder and editor-in-chief of the Ballot Measure, which focuses on polling analysis and statistical forecasting for The Onion.
Meet A Voter: Spencer Samuels, 21
“I’ll vote for whichever candidate engages with me on whatever dumb fucking livestreaming bullshit social media app is most popular at the given moment.”
America’s Finest News Source asked everyday citizens to share their views on the 2016 election. See the full feature here.
Swing State Profile: Colorado
The Onion breaks down Colorado and its nine crucial electoral votes:
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleDrugs: Since the legalization of marijuana, Colorado has been forced to deal with a massive surge in tax revenue and an unaffected crime rate.
Biggest race in the stateMike Coffman vs. Morgan Carroll (U.S. House District 6): Coffman and Carroll are political adversaries fighting for a seat in Congress, while also fighting the raw sexual tension radiating between them in registered voter Armand Greenwell’s fan fiction Hot In The Sixth.
Fun factColorado is home to the most Coloradans per capita in the United States.
America’s Finest News Source took a closer look at the country’s 50 worst states to provide voters nationwide with the facts they need. To see all states, visit our State-By-State Election Guide.
DAY 14: The Onion Speaks To Voters Across Nation On Election Day
Onion Exit Poll: Is This Your First Time Voting?
Trump On The Issues: Foreign Policy
Before America votes, The Onion offers a refresher on Donald Trump’s stances on the biggest issues facing our nation, including foreign policy:
America’s Finest News Source compared the 2016 presidential candidates on the key positions that their advisors and focus group coordinators decided they hold. Read the full feature here.
Remember: Most Polling Centers Close At 8 P.M. Local Time—Voters Stuck Inside Afterwards Will Be Trapped Within The Election Forever
We would like to remind readers that most polling centers close at 8 p.m. local time tonight. Please note that any voters still inside their voting location after polls officially close will be trapped within the 2016 election for all eternity. Be aware that this is a hard cutoff: If you’re still in a local public school, library, church, or other polling place at this time, the doors will lock behind you, and you will be imprisoned within this year’s election cycle until the end of time without any hope of escape or reprieve.
Compiled from reports out of The Onion’s Washington, D.C. bureau as part of our Precinct Watch initiative, dedicated to covering all voting rights obstacles encountered by the feckless and feeble-minded American electorate.
Swing State Profile: Nevada
The Onion breaks down Nevada and its six crucial electoral votes:
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleFracking: Protesters are hopeful that anti-fracking restrictions will allow Nevada to remain the pristine desert hellscape that God intended it to be.
Biggest race in the stateBruce Gale vs. Joe Hardy Jr. (District 8, Department 15 Judicial Election): Whoever is chosen here should be fine. Not every race has to have significance.
Fun factJoining in 1864, Nevada was the first uninhabitable state admitted to the Union.
America’s Finest News Source took a closer look at the country’s 50 worst states to provide voters nationwide with the facts they need. To see all states, visit our State-By-State Election Guide.
56% 17% 83%: Why These Out-Of-Context Numbers Just Gave You An Anxiety Attack
Here are three numbers to consider: 56%, 17%, and 83%. You’re probably wondering why those out-of-context figures just gave you a sudden panic attack. Well, the main reason you’re now feeling crippled with anxiety, short of breath, and a little bit nauseated is that these unexplained numbers could mean absolutely anything—or absolutely nothing—for the election. Here’s another one: 49%. There’s a good chance you started hyperventilating just from seeing that one alone. There will be many more numbers presented here without any context whatsoever over the next several hours, so stay with the Ballot Measure—The Onion’s polling analysis and statistical forecasting blog—throughout Election Day, and try to maintain consciousness.
UPDATE: +3; -5; 27%; 1,034; 12.
Jake Hewitt is the founder and editor-in-chief of the Ballot Measure, which focuses on polling analysis and statistical forecasting for The Onion.
Election Flashback: Nation’s Poor Win Election For Nation’s Rich (2004)
WASHINGTON, DC—The economically disadvantaged segment of the U.S. population provided the decisive factor in another presidential election last Tuesday, handing control of the government to the rich and powerful once again.
“The Republican party—the party of industrial mega-capitalists, corporate financiers, power brokers, and the moneyed elite—would like to thank the undereducated rural poor, the struggling blue-collar workers in Middle America, and the God-fearing underpriviledged minorities who voted George W. Bush back into office,” Karl Rove, senior advisor to Bush, told reporters at a press conference Monday. “You have selflessly sacrificed your well-being and voted against your own economic interest. For this, we humbly thank you.”
Added Rove: “You have acted beyond the call of duty—or, for that matter, good sense.”
Tim Kaine Stuffs Handful Of Goldfish Crackers In Ballot Scanner
RICHMOND, VA—Pulling the cheddar-flavored snacks from his right pants pocket, Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Kaine reportedly crammed a fistful of Goldfish crackers into one of his voting precinct’s ballot scanners Tuesday. “You look hungry,” said Kaine, who enthusiastically mashed the fish-shaped crackers into the scanner’s ballot feed slot before inserting a juice box straw into the opening and squirting fruit punch into the device. “There you go, Mr. Machine. Hope you liked your num nums!” At press time, Kaine had reportedly inserted ballot marking pens into each nostril and slid across the floor while barking like a walrus.
Meet A Voter: Jose Velazquez, 34
“I want to be a part of this country, but how can I do that when the DVD for the 1988 film Johnny Be Good doesn’t have Spanish subtitles?”
America’s Finest News Source asked everyday citizens to share their views on the 2016 election. See the full feature here.
Clinton On The Issues: Healthcare
Before America votes, The Onion offers a refresher on Hillary Clinton’s stances on the biggest issues facing our nation, including healthcare:
America’s Finest News Source compared the 2016 presidential candidates on the key positions that their advisors and focus group coordinators decided they hold. Read the full feature here.
Onion Exit Poll: When Did You Decide Who You Were Voting For?
Bernie Sanders Fills In For Factory Worker Unable To Take Time Off To Vote
Long Waits In Kearney: The Line To Intimidate The Sole Hispanic Voter At A Nebraska Polling Station Is Already 184 Trump Supporters Long
Frustration and tensions are running high at a Kearney, NE polling place, as many local residents have been waiting for over two hours in a long, slow-moving line to threaten the precinct’s only Hispanic voter. Though many have expressed concern that they won’t get a chance to question the voter about his citizenship or spread false information about ID requirements before the polls close, each person in line seems to be committed to waiting it out.
Compiled from reports out of The Onion’s Kearney, NE bureau as part of our Precinct Watch initiative, dedicated to covering all voting rights obstacles encountered by the feckless and feeble-minded American electorate.
Could Cloudy Weather Reminding You Of That Bitter Winter Day When You And Karen Both Agreed That It Was Over Depress Voter Turnout?
It looks increasingly likely that a low-pressure system, which has left much of the Midwest overcast and is so reminiscent of that cold, blustery day last December when you and Karen looked into each other’s eyes and finally agreed it was over, could significantly depress voter turnout in many states. Early returns in Missouri and Iowa have already shown that low temperatures, a high wind chill, and scattered showers will no doubt take you back to that horrible evening when, after yet another screaming match in the kitchen over the goddamn mortgage, Karen looked up at you—God, that tired look on her face will be burned into your memory forever—and she just muttered, “I can’t do this anymore.” And deep down, you knew you couldn’t either. This wasn’t normal. This wasn’t healthy. And it damn sure wasn’t the type of environment to raise a child in. So that was it: 12 years of marriage down the drain, right then and there. If the cooler air temperatures and wet conditions persist through the rest of the day as forecasted, results are projected to be more favorable toward Donald Trump and also Trent, that asshole who Karen’s been dating since July.
Jake Hewitt is the founder and editor-in-chief of the Ballot Measure, which focuses on polling analysis and statistical forecasting for The Onion.
Pence Reveals How He’ll Spend Election Day
Swing State Profile: Ohio
The Onion breaks down Ohio and its 18 crucial electoral votes:
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleReligious Extremism: Large numbers of Ohioans have expressed unease about domestic cells of religious extremists tilling fields and raising barns near their neighborhoods.
Biggest race in the stateHillary Clinton vs. Donald Trump (U.S. President): A perennial swing state with a large population of blue-collar voters, Ohio is the kind of place that makes pollster Dave McGrath remember why he got into this business in the first place.
Fun factEvery Ohioan lives within 150 miles of a better state.
America’s Finest News Source took a closer look at the country’s 50 worst states to provide voters nationwide with the facts they need. To see all states, visit our State-By-State Election Guide.
Election Flashback: Bill Clinton Declares Self President For Life (2000)
WASHINGTON, DC–Denouncing the American electoral process as “immoral and corrupt,” President Clinton announced Tuesday that he will not step down on Jan. 20, 2001, declaring himself “President For Life.”
Proclaiming Nov. 14 a new national holiday as “Day One of Americlintonian Year Zero,” Clinton issued a directive of total martial law over “all territories formerly known as these United States, from now on to be called the Holy United Imperial Americlintonian Demopublic (HUIAD).” He added that all election results are “hereby invalidated under Demopublican provisional law.”
“The American people have spoken,” Clinton said. “By failing to generate a 51 percent majority for either candidate, they have shown their inability to muster the drive to collective action. The time has come for a new America, a strong Americlintonian Empire, capable of providing the indecisive electorate with direction through one man’s sheer force of will.”
Compare The Candidates’ Stances On The Economy
Before America votes, The Onion offers a refresher on the candidates’ differing platforms on the biggest issues facing our nation, including the economy:
America’s Finest News Source compared the 2016 presidential candidates on the key positions that their advisors and focus group coordinators decided they hold. Read the full feature here.
Meet A Voter: Jacob Roche, 63
“I don’t really give a shit [about the election]. I’m going to be rich no matter what, so why in the fuck should I care?”
America’s Finest News Source asked everyday citizens to share their views on the 2016 election. See the full feature here.
Swing State Profile: Florida
The Onion breaks down Florida and its 29 crucial electoral votes:
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleImmigration: Every day, hundreds attempt to illegally cross the border between Animal Kingdom and Epcot.
Biggest race in the stateJeb Bush vs. Steve Hessert (Metropolitan Water Reclamation District Commissioner): The showdown between the incumbent water reclamation commissioner, Hessert, and the former two-term governor of Florida is expected to be tight, although most analysts give the edge to the sitting commissioner.
Fun factYou will grow old and die in Florida.
America’s Finest News Source took a closer look at the country’s 50 worst states to provide voters nationwide with the facts they need. To see all states, visit our State-By-State Election Guide.
The Line Outside This Polling Place Is Three Blocks Long Because No One Has Worked Up The Courage To Go In And Vote Yet
Hundreds of people are currently waiting on the sidewalk outside St. Jude the Apostle Catholic Church here in Bowie, MD, as not one person has mustered the nerve to enter the polling place and cast a ballot. The long and winding line, which is already stretching from 8th Street to 11th Street, is filled with fearful and tentative citizens who are clearly trying to delay entering the voting booth. Many have reportedly waited three hours or more. Several of those outside the voting location confirmed that one individual did approach the front doors of the polling station at one point, but he got cold feet at the last minute, spun on his heels, and headed to the back of the line.
Compiled from reports out of The Onion’s Bowie, MD bureau as part of our Precinct Watch initiative, dedicated to covering all voting rights obstacles encountered by the feckless and feeble-minded American electorate.
Woman Quickly Reading Up On Candidates’ Policy Stances After Voting
DENVER—Pausing a moment to pull up the information on her phone, area woman Robin Mizes, 32, figured she should quickly read up on the presidential nominees’ policy stances after casting her vote Tuesday, sources confirmed. “It’s probably a good idea to learn a little bit about the candidates and what they think about the issues,” said Mizes a few minutes after filling out her ballot and submitting it to poll workers, noting that she was particularly curious about the candidates’ tax plans and proposals for improving the economy. “So they’re both against this free trade plan, but Trump wants to get rid of Obamacare and Hillary doesn’t. And Hillary’s for more gun control. That’s good to know.” At press time, Mizes was reportedly considering looking up information on the down-ballot candidates she had already picked before shrugging her shoulders and deciding it would be too much of a hassle.
Here’s Why Getting More Votes Will Be Huge For Both Candidates
Despite an abundance of variables that can alter the trajectory of Tuesday’s outcome, this election may come down to a single key factor: the number of votes each candidate gets.
Put in layman’s terms, there is a direct correlation between whether a candidate wins or loses a particular state and the number of voters who cast their ballot for that candidate.
How do we know? The Ballot Measure model relies heavily on two metrics to predict the outcome of the election. The first adjusts the electoral map to favor likely voters versus all registered voters, while also incorporating any statewide trends—or a “trendline adjustment”—based on polling in congressional races. The second uses a nonparametric regression—in other words, building a model based on the polling data we have, rather than fitting polling data into a predetermined model structure—in order to more accurately project the complex and continuously evolving interactions between electoral predictors.
When combining those two metrics into our model, it’s clear just how significant winning more votes would be for both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.
If either HRC or DJT fails to record any more votes for the rest of the evening, their probability of reaching the threshold necessary to become president plummets dramatically. In fact, gaining more votes in all 50 states would provide a crucial boost for either candidate, whereas underestimating the impact of doing so could cost one of them the presidency.
Here are the major questions I’ll be asking while projecting the results tonight:
How many votes will Donald Trump get?
How many votes will Hillary Clinton get?
Will the amount of votes for Donald Trump be bigger or smaller than the amount of votes for Hillary Clinton?
The answers will likely tell us whether Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump will be the 45th president of the United States.
Jake Hewitt is the founder and editor-in-chief of the Ballot Measure, which focuses on polling analysis and statistical forecasting for The Onion.
Swing State Profile: New Hampshire
The Onion breaks down New Hampshire and its four crucial electoral votes:
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleDrug Abuse: A statewide opiate epidemic is leading voters to weigh the prospect of making heroin even more illegal.
Biggest race in the stateColin Van Ostern vs. Chris Sununu (Governor): The namesake of some future bridge just outside Portsmouth hangs in the balance.
Fun factNew Hampshire has been known to switch places with Vermont when the rest of the nation isn’t looking.
America’s Finest News Source took a closer look at the country’s 50 worst states to provide voters nationwide with the facts they need. To see all states, visit our State-By-State Election Guide.
Election Day By The Numbers
7:45 a.m.: Time at which vast majority of voters head to the polls to beat the crowds
50,000: Acres of rainforest cleared quadrennially to make way for commercial ballot farms
1921: Average birth year of polling place volunteer
5,324: Number of water reclamation board candidates who will watch their dreams unravel
1: Amount of Evan McMullins running for president
1 in 9,223,350,878,098: Vegas odds of filling out a perfect ballot
38.5: Percentage of college-educated married women who are voting for the first time since realizing they no longer love their husbands, if they ever truly loved them to begin with
6: Dry heaves per minute
4: Projected number of horsemen as foretold in the Book of Revelation
20: Months until this all begins anew
Clinton Upbeat In Latest Tweet
Swing State Profile: Pennsylvania
The Onion breaks down Pennsylvania and its 20 crucial electoral votes:
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleFracking: After betting it all on steel for the entire 20th century, the state is looking ahead to the next industry it can put all its eggs into for several generations.
Biggest race in the statePat Toomey vs. Katie McGinty (U.S. Senate): McGinty is running to become the state’s first female senator, which, let’s be honest, isn’t really going to knock anyone’s socks off this election season.
Fun factAfter a historic run that saw the signing of the Declaration of Independence, the introduction of the first daily newspaper, and the Battle of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania officially retired from history in 1881.
America’s Finest News Source took a closer look at the country’s 50 worst states to provide voters nationwide with the facts they need. To see all states, visit our State-By-State Election Guide.
Meet A Voter: Dottie Cunningham, 83
“I’ve looked at all the issues from both sides. Not that it really matters. When the time comes, I’m just going to fill out my ballot wrong anyway.”
America’s Finest News Source asked everyday citizens to share their views on the 2016 election. See the full feature here.
Disappointed First-Time Voter Thought He Was Going To Get To Pull Big Lever
NASHVILLE, TN—Complaining that there wasn’t even some sort of button to press, disappointed first-time voter Rob Blackman told reporters Tuesday he thought he was going to get to pull a big lever inside the voting booth. “I was sure there’d be a handle I’d have to really yank down on to officially cast my vote, and then there’d be this satisfying mechanical thunk sound,” said Blackman, 19, adding that quietly filling in bubbles on a sheet of paper was a “complete fucking letdown.” “I always thought you’d open up the curtain, see two big levers, and pull down on the one that corresponded to your candidate. But no, there was just a little table in there and that’s it. This is such bullshit.” Blackman went on to say that he wasn’t sure if he’d participate in another election since there really wasn’t an incentive for him to vote anymore.
Prospect Of Destroying Entire Country Drawing Long Lines Across The Nation
According to reports we’re receiving from correspondents across the country, voters in many locations are already forming long lines, which often extend out of their polling place and around the block, for the opportunity to completely eradicate the very foundations of our nation. Many polling stations are struggling to keep up with the influx of individuals who have been drawn by the possibility of obliterating everything the country has stood for, so we advise anyone looking to bring America to its knees today to be prepared to set aside a few hours.
Compiled from reports out of The Onion’s Washington, D.C. bureau as part of our Precinct Watch initiative, dedicated to covering all voting rights obstacles encountered by the feckless and feeble-minded American electorate
Swing State Profile: North Carolina
The Onion breaks down North Carolina and its 15 crucial electoral votes:
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleImmigration: Anti-immigration groups have argued that Duke University is primarily responsible for the massive flow of fuckwads and dickbags into their state in recent decades.
Biggest race in the statePat McCrory vs. Roy Cooper (Governor): The outcome of this heated race could determine whether North Carolina is Virginia-level Southern or Alabama-level Southern.
Fun factDespite 10 seasons and multiple TV specials, there was never an episode of Columbo filmed in North Carolina.
America’s Finest News Source took a closer look at the country’s 50 worst states to provide voters nationwide with the facts they need. To see all states, visit our State-By-State Election Guide.
A Refresher On Key Election Terminology
Before heading to the polls, refamiliarize yourself with our nation’s election-related lexicon with the help of The Onion’s election glossary. Key terms include:
Ballot: An object recording a voter’s decision that is frequently counted toward an election’s outcome.
Electoral college: A process by which the number of states in the Union is narrowed down to the most important seven or eight.
Voting: Election process during which at least one person writes in “none of the above” and gives himself a little pat on the back for it.
Read the full feature for definitive explanations of 30 more key election terms.
