In today’s Apple keynote, Tim Cook unveiled the highly anticipated iPhone 8 and previewed its new features. Here are some specifications of the new model:
Users must slowly earn Siri’s trust before she will agree to fulfill requests
Faceprint scanner for added security
Introduces wireless charging capabilities and six new defunct cables for your junk drawer
Simple voice-to-text-to-souvenir-magnet commands
18.5:9 dimensions that adhere to Aristotle’s theoretical perfect aspect ratio for small personal electronics
Apps no longer leak out when screen cracks
Integrated cross-platform OS makes phone completely unusable unless simultaneously running iWatch, iPad, MacBook, and Apple TV
Sauce-resistant
Proprietary new phone shape only compatible with pockets of licensed Apple Pants
Preloaded with preview of superior iPhone 9 features
