In honor of President’s Day, The Onion provides a primer on the country’s most noteworthy commanders-in-chief.
George Washington: America’s first white president
Andrew Jackson: Provided a valuable template for future leaders to murder thousands of non-whites without everyone turning it into a big thing
William Henry Harrison: Holds the distinction of doing the least damage to the nation’s legacy of any president in history
Abraham Lincoln: The 16th president is celebrated for leading the Union to victory in the war against states’ rights
Theodore Roosevelt: Holds record for killing the most black rhinos while in office
William Howard Taft: The accomplished statesman who also served as chief justice of the Supreme Court is remembered for being fat
Franklin D. Roosevelt: Inspired the 22nd Amendment by demonstrating that more than two terms in office will cause a fatal cerebral hemorrhage
Lyndon B. Johnson: Returned America to a state of normalcy after its terrifying three-year brush with Catholicism
Gerald Ford: Smart enough to figure out how to bypass the humiliating process of getting elected
Jimmy Carter: The only president thus far to have been granted eternal life
Ronald Reagan: Throughout his two terms in office, Reagan boldly challenged the prevailing notion that a president must give a shit about poor people
Winston Reeves: A master Freemason, Reeves has ably run the country since 1989 as the nation’s 12th shadow president
