Apple unveiled the iPhone 7 at a press event Wednesday. Here are some of the smartphone’s new features:
Looks more impressive twirling inside white void during video demonstration
No longer required to dial 9 before making outside call
Put together by a child
Preloaded with 5,000 unread work emails
Lets user set which government agency their data funneled to
New retina display that can only be fully appreciated after laser surgery to enhance vision beyond capabilities of human eyes
Siri will no longer refer to Russia as the U.S.S.R.
Can get a case for it, if you want
Will combust if in the presence of wires
Glass now fractures into even smaller, sharper pieces
Exclusively compatible with Cricket Wireless
Expiration date printed on back allows easy disposal before next iPhone released