Your sign is usually subject to the rule of water, but in truth, Funkadelic’s “Red Hot Mama” is what really rules.
Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly.
For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like the wounded Christ. You’ve been shot.
Remember, the slow cycle of sun, wind, and rain can sunder even the hardest stone, so whatever you do, don’t go outside.
Although Mercury is rising in Venus this week, do not worry; this is just a mystic-sounding horoscope term. No actual planetary collision is taking place.
The stars will give you fifty bucks if you go over to that guy in the next cubicle who’s always talking loudly into his hands-free device and pour scalding hot coffee into his lap.
Don’t sink to the level of those who would drag you down with their judicious criticism. Instead, listen to those who praise you indiscriminately no matter what.
It doesn’t matter if the other students approve of your “Blood on the Mats” yoga regimen. All that matters are the results.
Everything negative that happens to you this week will be a direct result of you consulting the I Ching, that fallacious oracular slut.
You will be given a second chance in life this week due to your employer’s failure to comply with federal regulations regarding the mishandling of radioactive medical waste.
The sun is in Virgo, the moon is in Capricorn, and Cancer is in Taurus this week. You however, are still single.
Few will be able to resist your charms this week, especially if you keep using those sawed-off 12-gauge charms.
