The strange men in lab coats will administer a series of electric shocks, painful injections, and radioactive treatments. They will then stop goofing around and get back to work.
You’ll make all the women swoon this week, thanks to a damp rag and a handy bottle of chloroform.
It’s not that you should be eating less, or even that you should be exercising more; it’s that the stars have to waste their valuable time telling you.
Look to the Bible for solace this week. Or to any other work of fiction that may help you to escape.
While it’s true that the universe works in mysterious ways, it’s becoming pretty clear what it has against you.
You’ll have mixed feelings this week when several leading gourmands describe you as “succulent” and “falling off the bone.”
There’s a fine line between comedy and tragedy. A fine line you will soon trip over, before rolling down the stairs and smashing your skull open on the concrete floor.
You’ll be inconsolable this Thursday, or at least you would be, were anyone to actually try.
The story of your life will be filled with action, adventure and romance. Sadly, it will also be filled with huge, sprawling typos.
You’ll feel like a class-A moron this week when the U.S. government begins grouping citizens based on their overall level of intellect.
It may seem like just a birthmark to you, but the mole on your back grants you entry into the Secret Order of Melanoma.
If there’s one thing about you, it’s that you’re a genuine and caring person. If there are two things about you, however, it’s that you’re easily placated by insincere flattery.
