A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy
You’ll be struck by a painful realization this Thursday concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
By the time you get around to reading the rest of this week’s horoscope, procrastination will already have gotten the best of you.
Like waves crashing against a rocky shore, so too will your drowned corpse crash repeatedly against a rocky shore.
Your love of all living creatures will be on display this week when you open the world’s first Animal Rescue Steakhouse.
While you’ve always considered yourself too proud to pay for sex, the stars alone know you’re not too proud to pray for it.
You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
It could have been worse. You could have accidentally set
You have a smile that can light up a room. Sadly, you’ll be too depressed next Tuesday to do anything about the electric company shutting off your power.
Remember: It takes a big man to admit he’s made a mistake. And an even bigger, more insecure woman to admit that—despite the prospect of future infidelities—he might be the best she can do.
While you’ve often looked to the stars for guidance, a fashion dilemma this week will prove too difficult for even Kate Hudson to handle.
You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you’ll be sleeping from now on.
