You’re working hard on your list of songs you want played at your funeral, but the flawed premise of the project is that it assumes the presence of attendees.
Your beloved Sparky will shock you by traveling 1,000 miles back to you. But then again, loyalty is the reason you married him in the first place.
It’s going to be a busy, nerve-wracking week, but by the end, you’ll be elevated to Imperator For Life Of The Greater Taurus Economic Co-Prosperity Sphere.
No one’s ever called you a rich, sexy genius, but that was before National Say Hurtfully Untrue Things Day.
You’ll help realize Western civilization’s oldest dream, but it’s only the one about getting to school late on exam day.
An unlikely coincidence involving the spontaneous combustion of your trousers and their subsequent suspension from communications cables will not be enough to teach you to tell the truth.
Your reading group insists that the Iowa School is more concerned with list-making than with producing good fiction, but frankly, you just wanted to talk about hobbits.
Don’t waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.
Romance and a felicitous atmosphere for new projects are foretold by the moon passing through your sign this week, as well as—wait a second!
It’s difficult to be compassionate and loving in today’s increasingly cruel world. The term “diminishing returns” comes to mind.
You’ll be repeatedly cited as a living refutation of the Great Man theory of history.
All the stars in your sign have an important message of hope, but you may not get it before the sudden explosion in your galactic spiral arm Wednesday.
