Enough about you. This week, Virgo will be unable to shake the feeling that you never listen to her.
You’ll raise self-involvement to new heights by taking the discovery of a new species of insect as a personal affront.
The way you relate to others will only be subtly altered by your new habit of carrying a constantly firing Gatling gun under each arm.
This week will bring you a healthy, fulfilling romance in the workplace. That will motivate you to get a goddamn job.
The siren song of forbidden love will ring in your ears this week when you become sexually attracted to your town’s warning klaxon.
The world’s scientists will be excited when you tell them you’re growing a vestigial tail, until they realize the scatological nature of your sense of humor.
You’ll discover a great new diet that lets you eat whatever you want while ballooning up to 450 sexy, sexy pounds.
It’s getting harder for your loved ones to believe that you never have any spare change.
The movement of planets in your sign foretells amazing romantic events this week. The stars, however, just pour out endless amounts of electromagnetic radiation.
People often fall in love with the person who is worst for them, which is good news for you.
You will find yourself lost in a strange new world in which the hairless, vaguely simian natives seem to be trying to communicate with you.
Don’t worry if you don’t understand the complex, yet seemingly effortless, unfolding of the universe. After all, you’re stupid.
