Your local arts center has a lovely quilting display. Give it $100 million.
Your existence will be called into question when “Weird Al” Yankovic uses your life’s work as the basis for a song.
After answering a personal ad describing the submitter as “all about partying and having fun,” you will find yourself dating the film Porky’s.
You will wake up next Sunday to find yourself president following the mysterious death of everyone else in America.
The sudden appearance of all the planets in your sign indicates that Leo is trying to impress TV’s Jack Horkheimer.
An exciting promotion is in Virgo’s future. It will probably involve two-for-one soft drinks with any fill-up at Shell.
You will soon receive tangible proof of a government conspiracy designed to stop you from robbing banks.
Though you may never actually find your soulmate in this lifetime, any decent supermarket will provide you with a lifetime supply of Coffee-Mate.
A thorough X-ray examination of your bones will determine that you are not, in fact, “bad” to them.
You will be found incapable of human love this week. Of course, this will have no impact on your longtime practice of monkey love.
The stars say you’re one wishy-washy son of a bitch. That’s not based on their positions or anything but, you know, they just talk.
You will be finished as an air-traffic controller when it is discovered you have no idea how airplanes are supposed to act.
