The stars that influence your life are actually dance-floor strobe lights at a second-rate Miami nightclub, and they instruct you to shake what it took your mama nine months to make.
You will fail to convince the police that you were innocently attempting to soothe the howler monkey.
Pluto is rising in your sign this week, prompting a $300 million copyright-infringement lawsuit by the Disney Corporation.
The amused stars want to know if you’ll do that trick with the butcher knife, fireworks and can of gasoline one more time.
You will receive a useful gift in the mail. Unfortunately, it is a gift certificate to a Big, Fat & Doomed men’s store.
Nothing can stop Destiny from exerting its powerful influence over you if it so desires. However, it does not.
Your life has become mired in routine and repetition. For a refreshing change, try not to kill any nursing students this week.
Your plans for the weekend seem simple enough, but they present a challenge when you realize that you have no idea how to “get some girls.”
Your inability to hear the letter s leads to humiliation when you wear a red wool outfit and carry a double-bitted axe and crosscut saw to a slumber party.
The onset of autumn means one thing to Capricorn: Soon it will be time to swim upstream and spawn.
Though you are covered with pink fur, have a soft red rubber nose, and utter four simple phrases, you are by no means suitable for children.
As foretold in Scripture, Christ will triumphantly return all your gifts this week.
