You will be found to consist of gray limestone with a rough shale covering. This comes as no surprise, however, as you are the Rock of Gibraltar.
Though you are a vindictive, cruel, petty, miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune in the next week. This is just how the universe works.
The stars have not been clear about the cause of next Monday’s fracas, but one thing is certain: You will have to forfeit the deposit on that horse you rented.
Though you have no medical training, the newspapers will refer to you as “the eye-ear-nose-throat specialist” after the police search your basement next week.
To your dismay and embarrassment, you will be forced to admit that you haven’t heard the one about the Polish drycleaner and the one-legged midget.
Nothing much will happen this week, aside from your usual whirlwind of sexual excess, churchgoing and drug abuse.
Overwhelming consumer demand for a more ergonomically styled Virgo leads to your complete and extremely painful redesign this week.
You will be disappointed to learn that your lucrative business selling your used panties to longshoremen is insufficient preparation for a career in the world of high finance.
Your estimate that there are 65,292,100 goats in the world will turn out to be a little too close for some people’s comfort.
The outcome of your battle with leukemia will hinge upon whether you can obtain the essence of a certain ’80s comedian for your Emotherapy.
You will find yourself vindicated next Thursday when your lifelong fear of thumbs turns out to be justified after all.
Taxpayers and astronomers alike will openly question the merit of NASA’s upcoming manned mission to you.
