Your doctor will break the news to you that you have the health of a 95-year-old Lebanese woman. This is good news, however, as you are a 117-year-old Lebanese woman.
You will take a major step forward in your personal growth this week when you stop worrying about what others think of you and tell the jury what really happened to Mother.
After years of talks, representatives of the Presley estate grudgingly agree to unauthorize your Elvis biography.
Your T-shirt company will be sued into oblivion this week by a manufacturer of sex-machine solar panels.
A mistake in your horoscope last week has resulted in your missing a chance at lifelong love, prosperity and happiness. The stars apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.
A group of powerful Republican lobbyists will finally win their long legal battle to have you renamed the Ronald Reagan Memorial Leo.
You will fail to secure a patent on your hydraulic little-old-lady compactor, as it closely resembles an existing AT&T; design from 1987.
A demonstration involving Euclidean geometry, observed cause-and-effect relationships and Newtonian physics will disprove your assertion that “The Bible is the ultimate authority.”
You will make romantic history this week when your love for your spouse dies of a massive heroin overdose.
A grammar expert informs you that you have been misusing the word “hopefully” for years. The word you should have been using is “hopelessly.”
Your relatives will be forced to bury you in a piano case this week, though you are neither obese nor dead.
Your life will go on as usual for seven more largely uneventful days.
