If this is your birth week, you have a one-in-seven chance of enjoying the biographical convenience of dying on your birthday.
You will be chosen by a zoological video-dating service to sire a highly advanced race of intelligent super-apes.
A small gray neotenic alien appears before you in your home and explains to you at length that it does not, in actuality, exist outside the popular imagination.
You will re-experience the central trauma of your adult life when you discover that you have mysteriously turned back into a virgin.
Fire magic is strong in Cancer this week. If, by some chance, you happen to set yourself ablaze, consider it a good omen.
You will be forced to reconsider the wisdom of bringing your religious beliefs to inner-city youths when you realize they do not relate to the teachings of mighty Lord Odin, the Allfather.
You have a secret you must conceal from the public, lest the people turn against you. Should they discover your unholy love for Joe Don Baker, all would be lost.
December will be a trying month for you, as all the Earth’s creatures rise up in rebellion against your harsh overlordship.
Forces beyond your control steer you toward an attractive Virgo. These forces are called “hormones.”
Your failure to score high marks in creativity and independent thought during standardized tests leads to several high-paying job offers from the business world.
A tall Cancer will soon become a major figure in your life. To be safe, meet all his ransom demands.
Few are surprised when police discover you in a Las Vegas hotel room looting Frank Sinatra’s corpse.
